It's Good To Be The Queen

“Hi, my name is Linda. And I don’t have a smartphone.”

2012-01-27T22:13:00.001-06:00

“Hi Linda!”

These words start my imaginary support meeting for those of us who exist outside the social network.

I don’t have a smartphone, I have a stupidphone.

It shouldn’t be surprising. Its not like I have ever been on the cutting edge of technology.

I thought HD was a rap singer. That gig had something to do with A&M. That megabites were what you took when eating a muffaletta.

On Christmas morning of 2006 my sons rush into the bedroom to breathlessly tell me what Santa brought their cousins.

“Mom, mom! Austin and Laura got Razrs!”

“Great! Put on your shoes and we will go race them down the street.”

“Razr phones, mom. Not Razor scooters.”

Oh.

Laugh all you want. That Motorola Razr flip phone is what I have now. When people see it its like a trip down memory lane. “Oh, look at that! I remember when I had that phone. My Grandma uses it now.”

And no, I’m not going to call Barney Rubble with it, thank you very much.

I guess I could upgrade but I am intimidated by phone stores. So much so that my pre-nup states that I don’t have to accompany my husband to the Apple store. Ever. Or Home Depot for that matter. But recently my curiosity got the best of me and I wandered into the land of blue-shirted Geniuses. IPads, IPods and Phones, oh my! Apple TV, Shuffling Nanos, Freddie Mac books. I fled, hyperventilating all the way to the food court.

My friend Sarah has one of those brand new IPhones that has a mystery woman named Siri talk back to you. I asked her, “Siri, why don’t I have a smart phone?” She answered, “I believe you have answered that Sarah.”

Okay then.

“Siri, why doesn’t my friend Linda have a smart phone?”

“I found a Luddite meeting fairly close to you.”

Stan Lee says that “With great power comes great responsibility.” If anyone had held their index finger up to him, mouthing ‘just a minute’ as they continued with their phone call during lunch, he would have ammended that to “With great technology comes great rudeness.”

My stupidphone can’t surf the net, so when I’m with you I’m not finding out the Mavs score.

My stupidphone can’t pull up email, so when I’m with you I’m not aware that I just won the Nigerian lottery.

My stupidphone can’t use an earpiece, so when I am talking you know that I’m talking to you.

Only to you.

Not having a screen 5 inches from my face allows me to see the world going on around me. It also keeps me from getting bumped into, run over or worse. This low-tech throwback asks you to please make an effort to connect with someone instead of at them. Instead of playing Words With Friends try having words with the friend in front of you.

In Regards to the Boy's Rooms...

2012-01-24T06:28:00.004-06:00

... I have a closed door policy.
I just close their door and walk away.

The Santa Situation

2011-12-11T11:34:00.003-06:00

I'm proud to say that Prince #1 and 2 believed in Santa longer than the average kid.

When Prince Tim was 10 he fixed me with a hard stare and said, "Mom, are you and Dad Santa?"

"If you believe, you receive my friend!" I shouted with all the merriment of St. Nick.

"Mom. Tell me the truth. You have never lied to me."

To this day I have no idea how I kept a straight face. Never lied to him?!? What a riot!!

"Okay Tim, Santa really is me and Daddy."

He looked like I had just told him there is no Santa. Well, I had and I'm here to say that that deflated look is why we use that phrase. Oh the agony.

He then turned his puppy eyes at me and asked, "Ummm..Easter Bunny?"

"Me and Dad, kiddo."

Now he is clutching at straws.

"Tooth Fairy?"

"Us too."

He took a moment to compose himself. "Okay, Mommy."

"Honey, look at it this way. Now you get to help us play Santa for Matthew and Christopher. And anyway, think of the logistics. Visiting all the kids in the world in 24 hours? Where would he get the raw materials to build toys at the North Pole? And let's not even get started on fitting down the chimney."

With the promise that he would get to stay up late and eat Santa's cookies he joyfully jumped on board.

Prince Matthew is a sly cynic when it comes to such things. He busted my sister laying down the Easter Bunny's jelly bean trail when he was 8, thrusting him into early adulthood. He played along, covering his bases in the off chance that the believe and receive thing was true.

Last year the youngest prince definitely believed in Santa. Christopher said to my sister, "Aunt Marian, I know there is a Santa. There is no way Mom and Dad would have bought me this cool stuff!"

This year Prince Christopher is 10, his Kringle convictions have been put to the test, and he is torn.

I saw a letter to Santa on his desk.

"Dear Santa,

May I please have for Christmas a Buzz Bee Toys Hawk Dart Blaster and the happiness of Jesus to be in everyone's heart.

Love,

Christopher

P.S. Are you real?"

This week I looked up from my computer to see him holding his Christmas present in his hands. Clutching the Lego knock-off army base (1,000 pieces inside!) he looks at me with a sly grin. "What's this Mom? Hmmmmm?"

I honestly don't remember what I said. Probably something along the lines of "What the heck were you doing under the bed in your brother's room? Put that back right now!" I know that was a perfect time to come clean but I just couldn't do it.

This week he told me about the raging Santa/Mom and Dad debate at school. He hedged when I asked him if he wanted to mail his letter. The boy has great doubts. And so do I.

Where is the line between telling your kid the truth about Santa and setting him up to get pounded on the playground because he is naive to still believe? I might want to cling to the idea that he is still a little kid but the price is high. The gifts he discovered are now from his brothers and I get to shop all over again.

I'm sure that the closer we get to the 25th the closer he will get to the truth. It is a bittersweet rite of passage, another step away from kid-dom on the way toward tween-dom.

But I have faith that, Santa or not, his wish will always be for the joy of the season to be in everyone's heart.

Marathon Momma

2011-11-06T21:16:00.001-06:00

Fellow Queens,

Today the Dallas Running Club held a half marathon that went down the next block. Prince Christopher and I walked down to cheer.

Embarassing my boys is a full time job and I really outdo myself when cheering on runners. Some of my golden nuggets are, “That’s right baby! You have earned the right to run without a shirt!!” and “Tomorrow you can tell everyone in the break room ‘I earned this donut, slug!’”

Remarkably Christopher wasn’t appalled by my behavior and was quite interested in the race.

While walking back to the castle he says, “Wow Mom, do we know anybody who has ever run a marathon?”

“Uh... hellllllloooo. ME! I ran TWO marathons!”

“Oh. I knew you ran them. I didn’t know you finished.”

Halloween Fright!

2011-11-03T08:55:00.002-05:00

Many of you may not know but I am also known as Queen Linda the Royal Cashier at my fav grocery store. Would love to tell you the name but I love my job. Anyway, for the last week or so leading up to Halloween I would say to the little guys, “You know what scares Miss Linda the most?”

“What?”

“You know what makes me shake with fright?”

“What? What?”

“I mean really, really scared. Scarier than your sister!!!!”

“What is it? Tell us!”

They are about to pee in their pants by now.

After a dramatic pause, in my spookiest voice, I moan, “Myyyyy CHECKBOOK! Bwaaaa Haaaa Haaaaaaaaaaa!”

“Huh?”

Mom Uniforms For School Are Designers

2011-10-20T07:54:00.004-05:00

From this morning's NYT

This morning's ensemble? Mom jeans from the Gap, my husband's sweatshirt, white socks with Easy Spirit clogs topped with bed head and my glasses for extra flair. "You don't really want to be that mother that slows her car to a slow roll and shoves her kids out, although sometimes I have wanted to do that," says Brooke Shields. Oh, I am so that mom.

The Texas State Fair

2011-10-16T20:21:00.002-05:00

Prince #3 turns 10 on Tuesday and wants to go to the fair.

"It is like an earthquake in my body of anticipation," he says.

Thank God I didn't hear that out of Prince 15 year old.

Oh My

2011-10-10T09:41:00.004-05:00

From Prince #3 - "Duct tape is my most useful resource."

The mind races, doesn't it?

Melissa and Doug. Really? I mean really?

2011-10-05T13:50:00.003-05:00

Dear Melissa and Doug,
While I do applaud the inclusion of both boys and girls in the majority of your costumes, I am disappointed to see that only girls can cut hair or serve waffles while boys appear to be the only ones capable of storming castles and nabbing bad guys.
Really?
It makes me want to either sic my dragon on you or simply don my unitard, fly over there and thump you myself.
Sincerely,
Linda Marie Ford

The Social Hierarchy

2011-10-03T06:33:00.003-05:00

This morning I decided to ask Prince #3 about the social castes in the 4th grade.

“So do some boys act really nice when it is just you and them,” I ventured. “But when they get together with a bunch of other boys, they’re not so nice?”

“Sometimes, yeah. Like zombies.”

Queen Linda's Address - LIL WAYNE’S WORLD

2011-09-26T13:32:00.001-05:00

Prince #2, AKA the 15 year old, decided that he wanted to go to the Lil’ Wayne concert.
For those not in the know, Lil Wayne is a semi-mainstream rapper with enough tattoos to make any mom wonder if he has had a hepatitis test.

“Dearest Darling,” I say. “My experience is that rappers are a misogynistic group who don’t like cops but wail for their mommy and call the po po when their best bud caps him in the ass.”
“Yeah, mom, but,”
“Ha ha, you said butt,” I retorted in my best Bevis and Butthead voice. I did however consider his response as agreeing with me on my rapper perception.
“Everyone who really likes him is going to want seats right up close to him. My friends and I just want to get lawn seats way in the back.”
“Hmm. I don’t know.”
“Mom. The lawn is going to be full of us and a bunch of little rich kids who want to go gangsta for the night.”
“I’ll think it over.”

Note that it is important to ignore dicey requests until the boys repeat them enough times that you have to pay attention. You get to avoid most arguments in the ‘Jeez, all my friends are ...’ vein this way.

For fun I research Mr. Wayne’s tunes from his post-prison collection.
One song is entitled “Phone Home.” I get a good laugh at my own expense for thinking that this must be a homesick love letter to his mom.
I’m rare like Mr. Clean with hair
No brake lights on my car rear
I never had lice and I never had fear
Hell, with lyrics like that I am his target audience!
Some of my other top beats - Gonorrhea, I’m So Hood, and Respect My Conglomerate. Wow, conglomerate! 4 syllables. Impressive.

So finally, “Alright. You can go. But with my conditions. #1 I need the name and phone number of the moms of any guys involved in these festivities. #2 You will all be drug tested when you come home and #3 I will pick you up from the concert.”
It is always good to slip that drug test one in the middle of that. This way they don’t know if you are serious of not. Always keep them guessing.

He agrees to my mandate and goes off skipping and texting his merry way.

The next day he gets a lesson from me on how to avoid broker fees for tickets and go straight to the source. “Gee mom. These tickets would have been $84 bucks if I got them through StubHub. You got them for $45. Wow.” He says this awestruck, like he finally gets how brilliant I am.
Suck up.

I call the number he gives me for one mom and guess what? Its the dad’s number.
“They are going to a concert? Sure!! They are bringing girls along with them, right? They can hang out at my place after!”
I think I could have said that the boys were going on tour with Marilyn Manson accompanied by 30 year old roller derby queens with bad meth problems and he would have asked to come along. This is why I ask for the mom’s phone number. I get the correct phone number and add rule #4 Any sleepovers will be held at our house.”

After all is cleared, rules re-enforced and cell numbers collected Prince #2 and his band of merry men are dropped off to enjoy the musical stylings of Dwayne Michael Carter Jr.

After the ‘pick us up’ text I head out to get the boys. I find a huge traffic jam and am unable to turn into the venue at the first entrance. I drive along to the second and am struck with deja vu. What does this remind me of? I know! Its the carpool line at Prince #3’s elementary school. The far right lane is a row of SUV’s with their flashers on. J Jill clad moms tentatively exit their Escalades, Iphones at the ears, to search for their charges. I join them, standing on the running board of the VW, waving franticly at Prince #2 and his peeps. After hopping in the car, blaring the stereo to tunes they just heard live and the obligatory Taco Bell run we return home. The boys camp out in the TV room while I giggle upstairs listening to their re-telling of the concert until 2AM.

Looking back I am sure that Prince #2 will agree with Lil Wayne when he said that he loves his mom “More than money, more than fame, more than cars.”

Yo yo. Peace out. Word.

A Report from College Prince

2011-09-15T08:17:00.002-05:00

Freshman College Prince is continuing to prove that A&M is a perfect fit for him.

He called Hubby the other night and said, "Hey Dad, remember when your friends asked how you felt having a kid going college and you said "Jealous"

I get it now."

Bwaaa haaaa haaa.
And I did resist my mommy voice that said 'make sure you go to class!'

Prince #3 mentions this comic on the way to school.

2011-09-06T08:38:00.002-05:00

This does not bode well.

1st Day of 4th Grade

2011-08-24T07:07:00.003-05:00

I walked into Prince #3's room to wake him up for the big day. There he is, uniform and backpack on.

"Mom," he says. "Let's do this thing!"

Hilarious.

Prince #2 Marriage Requirements

2011-08-23T11:08:00.002-05:00

Yesterday Teen Prince #2 made a 'snack' consisting of 4 White Castle burgers, 2 bags of chips and a Powerade. As he retreated to his cave like a bear about to hibernate he said, "Wow, if a girl ever made this for me, I would marry her."

Parent, We Have A Problem

2011-08-22T16:41:00.003-05:00

Prince #3 has watched so much Spongebob and The Military Channel this summer that I am praying that the school doesn't call about any 'incidents' this week.

What? Dishwasher crapped out?

2011-08-16T10:54:00.002-05:00

I see no need to replace it.

I have 3 dishwashers; Prince #1, 2 and 3!

As God As My Witness....

2011-08-05T15:56:00.003-05:00

Someday I will come home and the kitchen floor will not be sticky!

Pampering the Queen

2011-03-01T11:14:00.004-06:00

Fellow Queens,

Every once in awhile you have to just drop all your royal duties and take care of yourself.

Did you hear that?

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

The laundry can wait, dinner can be take out, duct tape can be used. Whatever it takes.

So recently I decided to treat myself to some new makeup. At this point in my life it is a good investment. I have gone from a casual sweep of powder and mascara to a serious tape and bed as to not scare the neighborhood children.

I popped by the department store and a few moments later was the proud owner of some fancy schmancy concealer, tinted moisturizer and a brand new makeup brush. I love it. No longer feeling like a hag I face the world in all my fresh faced glory.

Until yesterday.

I was following my beauty regimen. I swished on my moisturizer with dainty circles with my new brush. And then casually glanced in the mirror.

Wait.

The blinds must not be open all the way. After adjusting them, sunlight now streaming into the bathroom, I glance again.

It is true. I am blue.

Not an Avatar blue. More like a Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory blue. A bit ashen though. Possibly zombie chic.

Thankfully, after a good scrub it washed off. The only shadows left behind are the familiar dark circles under my eyes.

My search for the culprit was futile. No one is owning up to this one. I am on the lookout for any suspicious looking brush strokes on Prince #3's artwork.

And in the meantime I know exactly where the green food coloring is. I just hope it doesn't get slipped into their zit cream.

Where, oh where, do they get that from?

2011-02-03T13:12:00.006-06:00

Sometimes I wonder where the boys get it.
Silliness -that's me. Brilliance -ditto. Jacked up teeth -that's their father.

And sometimes the answer is -they just do it because they are boys.

Case and point:

I looked in Prince #3's locker at school the other day. Under piles of books and papers what do I spy with my little eye?

My good bath towels.

I'm talking the nice ones. The white ones. The ones that don't smell like mold. The ones I hide from them so when I lock the bathroom door, stretch out in the tub and have a Calgon-take-me-away moment I can then dry off in a fluffy, thirsty 100% cotton cloud.

"What are these doing in here?!" I shrieked.

"Ummm. Uhh. Dad said I could donate them. We are collecting things for the poor."

Okay, alright. Into the donation pile they went.

But, I wondered, out of all the towels we have why would hubby tell him he could take the nice ones?

I had my answer when I pulled into the driveway.

Sweetie Hubby had been busy protecting all our plants and bushes from the cold by covering them up.

With our nice sheets.

Favorite Body Part

2011-01-31T19:35:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I was in the hallway of Prince #3's school and noticed that the kids had an assignment taped to their lockers. The theme was My Favorite Body Part.

His was his legs and included a picture of his uniform clad stems. Blue uniform pants complete with white knees from the wear and tear.

Another boy wrote, "My favorite body part is my hair. I like my hair. It keeps my head warm. I hope I don't go bald."

Hate to break it to ya kid, but if Dad's pate is any indication - get a hat to keep warm.

Brrrrrrr

2011-01-27T07:35:00.001-06:00

Ha! Prince #3 just figured out where his school shoes are. Right where he left them yesterday, on the neighbors front lawn. Its only 32 degrees outside. Freeze away, my boy. No Black Hawk Down Mom here. Can you imagine the ones that would toast their kid's shoes? Their house must smell like cheese.

Why, Oh Why, Part Two

2011-01-26T15:32:00.001-06:00

Just got home. Boxer shorts no where to be seen. When asked about underwear whereabouts, Prince #1 said he tossed them in the dirty clothes hamper. He is 18, maybe my mommy lessons stuck in there after almost 2 decades of harping. I told him that he gets the prize. "What prize?" "The prize of....," I trumpeted. "knowing you did the right thing!"

I expect to see socks on the counter tomorrow for that one.

Why, Oh Why, Oh Why ....

2011-01-26T06:40:00.002-06:00

... are there a pair of boxer shorts on my kitchen counter?

I think I will leave them there just to see how long it takes for someone other than me to put them away. Hopefully in their drawer and not the dirty clothes hamper.

More Words....

2010-11-19T07:24:00.002-06:00

... You never want to hear from your son.

"Do we have a plunger?"

Prince 9 Year Old's Dream

2010-11-17T07:12:00.004-06:00

"Me, Jack, Jackson, George and Luke were in a Nebraska corn field. We saw this big rocket thing with a red dot. We realized it was from Japanese. When it touched the ground we realized it was an atom bomb ran for our lives. We saw Santa Claus. We asked him if we could borrow his sled. He said for 2 Cokes. We gave him cokes but we didn’t pay for them. So we went to his house for 20 bucks. Some guy said, “Get down!” and then he blows off Santa Claus’s head and Santa Claus was a zombie. And then we got in Santa Claus’s sleigh and we flied off.

Craziest dream I’ve ever had."

Sounds like a little WWII fascination, laced with sweets and Santa, topped off with a Halloween zombie hangover.

Should I be worried?

8 Beautiful Words

2010-11-14T11:19:00.004-06:00

Yes, the 8 words every mom of a teenage boy wants to hear -

"Mom, can you teach me how to iron?"

I'm so proud, sniff, sniff.

Veteran Visit

2010-11-12T07:24:00.000-06:00

Army Sergeant Josh Frank is going to join Christopher for lunch.

Christopher is busy in the kitchen making lunch for him.

"Mom, he is in the Army and eats healthy food. I need to pack an apple for him." Little does he know that when I called Josh last night he was at a bar with his girlfriend.

"Do you think he would want my camo lunchbox or my GI Joe lunchbox?"

And finally, "Do you think penguins have teeth?"

Halloween Fright!

2010-10-30T14:21:00.002-05:00

Prince #1 is going to college next year. Today 14 yr old Prince #2 asks me, “Can I go visit Tim at college and play beer pong?”

All my nightmares of what could possibly happen to my son -- times 2.

Queen Linda's Pre-Back To School Address

2010-08-12T12:29:00.003-05:00

Fellow Queens,
Before we dive into the back to school chaos here is a Boy Story from Queen Sheri of Fredericksburg, VA.

I am a very proud mother of ten year old triplet boys. I am very open with my sons. When I had to go have a mammogram completed, I explained what is and its importance. In all seriousness Nick asked, "Do we get a dickogram where they squash us here (pointing to his private area)." I thought he was kidding, but all three were anxiously awaiting the answer.

I explained to them that the doctor checks them using other measures and their father explained their procedure in great detail. They did not seem bothered by it after the image they had already visualized of a dickogram.

Oh God. I can't stop laughing.

Reign On!

Queen Linda

Only 72 Days Until School Starts!

2010-06-04T08:27:00.001-05:00

Dear.

God.

"Get out of the car children. Mommy thinks it is on fire."

2010-05-31T08:39:00.001-05:00

Yes, these are the words that actually came out of my mouth this week.

You know your kid loves his teacher when....

2010-05-13T06:16:00.002-05:00

Yesterday my 2nd grader's teacher said to him, "I am really going to miss you next year. Will you still come and visit me?"

He looks at her and says, "Sure. Where do you live?"

love it.

Christmas Carols in May

2010-05-12T07:35:00.005-05:00

The eight year old apparently wants to keep Christmas going on Dallas' first 90 degree day.

This morning he was singing Jingle Bells with this verse.

The snow is turning red.

I think I might be dead.

I'll see you at the hospital

With stitches in my head!

He better not give me a Christmas wish list.

2010-04-27T13:12:00.005-05:00

And, we're back!

After a web induced hiatus the Queendom is in residence. And off we go!

Now I’m not letting any of you in on a big secret if I tell you that sometimes boys are clueless. And sometimes they are gross. And sometimes they are clueless AND gross.

I’ll let some other Queens explain.

My youngest son Prince Sebastian (8) and I have a standing dinner date night after Cub Scouts. We always have fun and enjoy great conversation. One night I was explaining that he had to eat his fruits and vegetables to grow big and strong. He replied (totally seriously) "No I don't. I can just take the Blue Pill, it makes you BIG!"

I was trying not to laugh hysterically and come up with some kind of response. All I could think of was " That is not what those pills are for."

To which he asked, "What are they for then?"

Gulp.

"They are for old men who have problems with their private parts."

Whew.

But then, one last question. “Hey Mom, does Grandpa take them?”

“Aaaaaaaah...eat your dinner!” -Queen Andrea of Lebanon, MO

After being herded into the girl's bathroom for a tornado drill my son whispered to me, "You know what they have in there Mom? A machine on the wall that sells mints for a quarter!" -Queen Gail

When Prince Michael was about 10 years old, we were watching TV together. A commercial for Tampax came on featuring a couple in a boat. Boat springs a leak, Frantic Man attempts to bail water to avoid sinking, Calm Woman digs through her purse, produces a tampon, plugs the hole and saves the day! My Prince laughs out loud, “Imagine making a product like that -you would hardly EVER use it! How many times are you in a sinking boat!” - Queen Susan of Dallas

I bet my friends who are blessed with the XX version of offspring have never had a two year old come downstairs in the middle of a dinner party with a tampon inserted in his mouth and the string dangling from his lips. -Queen Jenny

My son Ryan thought the sanitary napkins he found under the bathroom sink would make great knee and elbow pads for when he played hockey! -Queen Andra of Fort Wayne, Indiana.

All together now.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Reign On!

Queen Linda

Snow Day, Snow Day. La, La, La, La. Snow Day!

2010-03-02T08:11:00.001-06:00

Early Thursday morning the phone rang.

“Mmummasah,” I greeted my caller with.

“Good morning Linda,” someone chirped. “No school for the boys today! Its a snow day for Cistercian!”

“Whaahaa??” I mumbled.

“Look outside, silly. Its winter!”

At that point I simply hung up so I wouldn’t 1) mutter obscenities to my early morning wake up caller and 2) so they didn’t tell me their name. If you wake me up early, you don’t want me to know who you are. This scenario is slightly better than the time I got an early morning call from St. Thomas. The recorded voice of the principle boomed, “This is Mr. Magee of St. Thomas Aquinas.” I start talking back to him, of course wanting him to think (why?) that I am like the perfect, chirping mom I heard on Thursday. “Oh, hi Mr. Magee. How are you today?” I think I actually started to ramble on about a fictional June Cleaver worthy breakfast I was preparing for my precious darlings before I realized that it was a recording telling me that school was closed due to snow.

So Prince Tim of Cistercian didn’t have to go to school Thursday but Princes Matthew and Christopher of St. Thomas did. In case you didn’t see their jubilant reactions to this injustice in this publication, check out the shot on the Dallas Morning New site : http://tinyurl.com/ydvcavn

I’m such an evil queen. Just because they have a snow day doesn’t mean they get to sleep in. If I’ve got to be up, then they’ve got to be up. The reciprocal does not apply. I made Prince Tim drive the other two to school.

Later on he did thank me for waking him. He and his friends were on the news trying, very lamely, to sled down Flag Pole Hill. http://tinyurl.com/ygnggop

Did you check out the form, the grace, the slo-mo? I’m sure you will agree that we have an Olympic contender on our hands. I’m booking a flight to Russia for the February 2014 games.

Our boy story of the week comes from Queen Karen of Lakewood.

“Today as we were having a snowball fight on our way to the park I said to my home schooled son, “Wow, kids must have had to actually go to school today, the streets are deserted.” My son shot back, 'It shows a lack of respect for the weather to go to school when its snowing."

I agree. Hey snow in Texas this deep demands respect!

Reign On!

Queen Linda

The Dinner of Champions

2010-02-25T19:13:00.001-06:00

Rotel and Girl Scout cookies.

It doesn't get any better than that

All Rise Followers of the Tao of Duh

2010-02-09T16:32:00.001-06:00

Based on the email from the last two weeks I will have plenty of followers of the Tao of Duh. Here is what some of our fellow queens had to say.

“That mom is itching for trouble down the road with the "my little men are angels" routine. I wonder if her last name is Haskell? As in Eddie Haskell?” -Queen Lisa of Henderson, NV

“Prince Neal complained about his tight dark blue jeans. I asked him why he wasn't wearing the new, light blue, slightly larger ones. He forgot we'd bought them - in fact, the two new pairs were still in the bag from the store, on the floor right between his bed and dresser. He also has not worn any of his new t-shirts he got at Christmas. They are right where he left them, on the back of the sofa in the living room where he sat while opening gifts. Yes, there are times you can only laugh and shake your head as you try to guide them in life.” -Queen Melissa

“I hear what the mom is saying about having to defend boys to their friends who only have sweet, calm little girls. But we're not talking to moms of sweet little girls at It’s Good To Be The Queen, we're talking to each other. Commiserating, sharing, and supporting each other. I'm guessing that anyone who doesn't get The Tao of Duh has boys that haven't hit middle school.” -Queen Pam

And here is my favorite. Queen Mums are Queens who have sons that are grown and have left the castle. They are revered and wise. Queen Mum Becky is one of the most regal. Listen and learn my Majesties.

“I have watched my princes grow into wonderful young men and have a story for you about how our princes can go from “Duh” to “Awww, isn’t that sweet?” This was related to me by my daughter-in-law about her husband, my son.

My youngest prince works nights in a hospital while he is going to nursing school. His job is an orderly function but he is an EMT and spends a lot of time just sitting with post-surgery patients. The other night a little old lady did not want to get out of bed so that they could change her sheets. Prince Christopher watched this interaction between patient and staff for about 30 seconds and then stepped up to the patient and said “So how about we dance?” He pulled her into his arms and began singing to her and they swayed back and forth. The other staff members quickly changed her bed and as he finished he gently set her back down on her fresh bed linens and helped her to lay back down.”

That’s what I’m talking about ladies! All hail Queen Mum Becky!

Reign on!

Queen Linda

My Carnivores

2010-01-29T15:41:00.004-06:00

Every time, the script is the same.

“Boys, I’m going to Tom Thumb. Is there anything you need me to get?”

“FOOD!”

There’s food in the house. They just don’t want to eat the food that is in the house. They want Burger House.

For those of you who don’t have boys, imagine having a hungry pet velociraptor. Or two. Or in my case three.

While pondering ways to procure and stockpile protein, I decided think outside the box, Well, really, outside the house.

I missed a great opportunity last year. My brother called to report that he had hit a deer and totaled his car. “Are you okay?” I frantically asked.

“Yes.”

“Please tell me the kids weren’t in the car.”

“They were but they didn’t even wake up when Daddy screamed like a little girl.”

“What about the deer?”

“That thing flew across three lanes of traffic like Blitzen on crack.”

My mistake was that I didn’t get to make Bambi’s demise into Venison Surprise. I mean, them’s good eats, you can’t let things go to waste. And I could have given everybody backstrap for Christmas that year.

Yesterday I came across a website that had an article from Wilderness Way magazine. Author T. R. Zimmerman sings the gastronomical praises of the lowly June Bug. Evidently these summertime pests are chock full of edible fats and proteins. Who knew?

Zimmerman reports that, “When toasted in hot ashes, the internal body parts and juices of the bug congeal into a nugget of pure golden nutrition. After peeling off shriveled legs, wings, and wing case, the remaining orb of nourishment can be eaten one at a time or by the handful.” He goes on to insist that it is hard to eat just one.

Forget beef bourguignon, I’m going to create June Bug-a-boo.

The only problem is that June Bug Season is at least four months away. Until then I guess the next best thing is to try to catch that coyote that keeps hanging around in my front yard.

Jackal jerky anyone?

Reign On!

Queen Linda

Tao of Duh not Tao of Dumb

2010-01-18T15:14:00.006-06:00

I love discussion. So weigh in on this one.

In my last post, The Tao of Duh, I reported on my boy's errs of the obvious. Which is what the word 'duh' means. If you check out Urban Dictionary, which is one of my favorite sites to decode the language of teens, the word duh means 'A word people use when the obvious is stated.'

Let us use it in a sentence. Me - "I love you Prince Christopher." Him - "Duh Mom."

When my post went out as my Weekly Address to thousands of moms I got this response:

When a friend recommended this site, I thought it was a great idea. A bunch of moms of boys that can relate to each other getting together on a website to talk about that which we have in common. As a mother of three boys, I have learned that there's a lot of people who stereotype boys as rough, dirty, unkind and many of the things you insinuate on your story today (I guess dumb) Well, I'm not about to condone it. I am the one that is always standing up for my boys and not letting anyone put them down! People are always saying what a handful it must be for me but guess what, I have three beautiful, loving, caring sweet little men and I would not have it any other way. I don't think making fun of them is the answer or makes anyone feel supported with raising boys. Please remove me from your email list and I wish you nothing but the best.

Thoughts?

The Tao of Duh

2010-01-15T13:18:00.002-06:00

You’ve probably heard of The Tao of Steve (Fat guy’s spiritual rules to get chicks. Uh, no) or The Tao of Pooh (Required college reading. Uh, yes) Well let me introduce you to the mystical philosophy I have created based on life with boys.

The Tao of Duh.

The word Tao is used to signify the true nature of the world, so says Wikipedia. Neither Tao or its principles can ever be adequately expressed in words. Oh, but let me try.

This morning Prince Christopher, 8, decided to ‘help’ me out with my first caffeine hit of the day. I have one of those single cup, pod coffee makers. I have no idea why. What I really need is a tureen of java or a caffeine patch to jump start the day. I put in the water, pod and pushed the red button to warm up the water. Here comes Mr. Helper. “Mom, can I push the button?” Now I have my head in the freezer trying to find something to defrost for dinner. “Sure, its the one with the picture of the coffee cup on it.” “The one with the picture of the coffee cup. Ok,” he says. I’m still, literally, halfway in the freezer. Since the boys go through food like a pack of savage coyotes we have one of those big coffin freezers. As I grab the Sam’s size bag of tenderloins that I know won’t defrost by 6 (But I can leave pork on the counter, can’t I? Ooh, I live on the edge!) I hear a muffled, “We have a problem here!”

Barista Boy had looked at the coffee maker, pushed the button and watched my Drink of the Gods run all over the counter. Why? Because he didn’t put a coffee cup under the spout! DUH! His defense that I didn’t tell him to put a cup there won’t hold water, or coffee for that matter.

Again, DUH!

Tenets of the Tao of Duh abound.

You left empty snack boxes in the pantry so I figured we had tons and now you are whining for chips? DUH!

You can’t find your coat? Look down dear, you’re standing on it. DUH!

You shoved four pairs of dirty uniform pants under your desk and want to know why you can’t find a clean pair to wear to school? DUH!

You left wet towels on your bed and now want to know why your pillow smells funny? DUH!

Wiki also says there is “ultimate uselessness of trying to understand Tao.” Can I get an Amen? I’ll never understand why boys do what they do.

So gather round all ye observers of the Tao of Duh. I’m passing the collection basket. Toss in a few Starbucks gift cards and praise the boy!

Reign On!

Queen Linda

Guilt for New Years!

2010-01-11T14:59:00.001-06:00

You know, there is nothing like starting off 2010 with a heapload of parental guilt. Here’s what happened.

Hubby and I decided at the last minute to go to a party at the home of a great friend we hadn’t seen in awhile. We were home by 10:45, just in time to watch the big ball drop in NYC. We are such the party animals. Middle Prince Matthew had a friend over to spend the night. When we arrived home they reported that 8 yr old Prince Christopher was snug in his bed sound asleep. Good, I thought. He had been staying up way past his bedtime over the break and had become increasingly surly since Christmas.

As Central time midnight drew near Prince Matthew and accomplice asked for pots and pans to bang while they ran up and down the street. I gave them an old pot (not the Christmas gift Calphalon!) and a mixing bowl and they went on to ring in the new year, much to the chagrin of all our neighbors. At least they didn’t shoot guns into the air like others. (When will people figure out that what goes up, must come down? “Gee Bob, sorry that bullet is now lodged in your head. Happy New Year anyway.”

The boys looked like Steve Martin in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

I did have to rent that movie the next day so they would understand why I was yelling, “Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma” at them the rest of the night.

The next morning I staggered downstairs and wished Prince Christopher a Happy New Year. He looked at me, smiling broadly and said, “I just can’t wait to watch the big ball drop with you tonight!”

Crud.

Gathering all the strength I had I managed to squeak out, “Uh, that was last night Sweetie.” Oh the horror. He burst into tears with true intensity. You would have thought I made him watch as I backed over his new Nintendo DS with the minivan. You would have thought that the NFL disbanded. You would have thought year round school was now mandatory. It just didn’t cross my mind to wake him up and now I felt like the world’s worst mom.

After an apology and many hugs he managed to calm down. I told him that he could stay up until midnight that night, I would find the countdown on YouTube and we could have New Year’s Eve on New Year’s day. Thankfully he agreed.

That night after watching the movie he miraculously looked at me and said he was tired and wanted to go to bed. At 10pm. When all is said and done I guess I didn’t scar him too badly. Now is the time to continue to chant my mantra, “I am doing the best that I can, no one can ask more of me than that.”

Let’s start off the year with a boy story from Queen Jenny -

As if Christmas was celebrated long ago, my boys have started hunting Easter eggs in the house today. As only a true mom of sons can I found myself yelling, "Boys! You can not use Mommy's bra as your Easter basket!"

And off we reign for another year!

Queen Linda

He's kidding, right?

2010-01-04T09:19:00.003-06:00

This morning I found this note laying on my computer.

"Hey Mom, I didn't get a chance to ask you this last night. I need this book for my new elective on Tuesday. Is there any chance you can swing by Borders or Barnes & Noble and grab it? Thank you! Love, Tim"

Really? I mean, really?

Yes Tim, the bookstore shelves are lined with AP Advantage: Physics B.

What a moron.

I hope he has fun on Amazon.com this afternoon.

Its not New Year's RESOLUTIONS,

2010-01-04T07:27:00.002-06:00

its New Year's REVOLUTIONS!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2010-01-01T13:53:00.005-06:00

Fellow Queens!

As we say goodbye to 2009 and look ahead to 2010 (twenty ten or two thousand and ten? You decide) let’s wrap up the year with a quick look back at the Queendom.

What have we covered? Sex ed, head lice, how to get them (grudgingly) to help around the house, how to be a cool mom and the most talked about topic - disciplining the little darlings.

Whew, was that one a hot one!

I want to thank you for inviting me into your world each week. Raising boys is a wild ride and I am so glad we are here for each other. I also want to thank you for all your stories and wisdom (let’s have more in 2010, after all, this is a forum for you!)

And finally, here are some of my favorite “Things Only Moms of Boys Say” that you have sent me this year.

I told you it would hurt if you wrapped your face with hockey tape.

Who put their underwear on the top of the TV?

Don’t ride your bike in the house, only outside. I don't care if it was in here for Christmas it goes outside now.

What do you mean you locked your brother in the trunk of the car?

No you cannot hit your brother on the head with the bat, I don't care what he did.

Please don't let the cat eat out of your mouth, it'll give him bad habits.

No you may NOT climb in the fridge to see if the light stays on when the door is closed. The light is off when the door is closed. How do I know? I just do, I'm the mom.

No we cannot trade in your baby brother for a monster truck.

No, you can’t ride your skateboard off the roof into the pool. No a kite won’t help guide you to the pool. Give me that umbrella. I don’t care if Mary Poppins did it, you can’t!

And finally, the one I have been telling my boys for 13 years now:

Girls can do anything that you can. Even pee standing up. It might be messy, but I can do it.

Here’s to a joyful, healthy, ER-free 2010!

Reign On!

Queen Linda

My boys are in the next room

2009-12-17T21:00:00.002-06:00

writing their Christmas lists for Nana.

I just heard my son ask his brother how to spell, 'Nunchucks'

All They Want for Christmas is......

2009-12-17T17:09:00.001-06:00

Fellow Queens!

Your boys crack me up.

Here is what some of them are asking for.

My 8 year old asked for a “ a vegetarian Tyranasaurous Rex- so he doesn’t eat me” - Queen Jennifer

After seeing the commercial my son Jason asked me if the Nuva Ring was a bracelet. He wanted to get it for me for Christmas! -Queen Erin

My Prince Joey, 18 years old, asked for a hair clipper last Christmas, which we gladly gave him after his years of long hair. He began cutting his own hair and experimenting on others. He has developed what I call the “He-Man Haircut.” His friends or brothers sit on a stacked pair of tires and choose their buzz number. After cutting their hair my son the barber gets out the lawn blower to blow the excess hair off of them. -Queen Jenny

My son asked the mall Santa for a rock wall for his playhouse (which he added "I hope he doesn't bring me a small one!!!" -Queen Jenny

This year my five year old son asked for a remote controlled flying saucer that will do whatever he tells it to do, including landing on people's heads.

Get shopping Queenies!

Queen Linda

Outing Santa

2009-12-12T12:38:00.005-06:00

Fellow Queens!

Depending on how old your boys are this may be the year that they ask you if Santa is real. I was able to make it to ten before I figured out that the simple logistics of getting toys to every good boy and girl in one night where not in Santa’s favor and that my parents must have been his accomplices all those years.

And what about the toys? Every time you see elves on TV or in the movies they are working on wooden choo choo trains and jack-in-the-boxes. How could they possibly have made my Easy Back Oven?

After a few years of sliding by with a rousing “If you believe, you receive!” the jig was up. When Prince Tim was ten he came to me with a very serious look on his face and said, “Mommy, you have never lied to me. Tell me the truth. Are you and Daddy Santa Claus.” Never lie to him? Boy is that kid snowed.

Actually I was pretty greatful that he made it to 10 before he asked me about it. I guess he wasn’t listening when that little brat announced to the preschool class that Santa was a sham. I immediately pegged that four year old as a future inmate.

Realizing that there was no way out, I spilled the beans. He had this half injured, half understanding look on his face. Then he turned to me and said, “Are you and daddy the Easter bunny too.” “Yes honey.” He gave it one last hopeful try. “Tooth Fairy?” Yes I said, completely ending a part of his childhood. He was pretty stoic about it and promised not to tell his brothers. My 8 year old Prince Christopher still believes and the older two have fun helping put together bikes and Transformers for him. Goodness knows, no eggnog slugging Queen should even attempt to put together a Schwinn on Christmas Eve.

if you want to extend the beauty of Santa just a little more I suggest this new book The Truth About Santa: Wormholes, Robots and What Really Happens on Christmas Eve by Gregory Mone. Using science and technology Santa’s seemingly impossible tasks are simply explained. Mone says, "Santa's suit is laden with what are called metamaterials, which have the effect of bending light around a person so that they turn invisible."

And speaking of books and the tooth fairy, our royal scribe Sheri Bell-Rehwoldt’s book So You Think It’s Easy Being the Tooth Fairy is up for grabs. Check it out.

And finally send me or post the crazy things your boys have asked for over the years and I will put them in next week’s address.

Reign On!

Queen Linda

The Tooth Fairy ROCKS!

2009-12-07T21:11:00.001-06:00

Ever wonder about the origins of the tooth fairy legend?

I mean really, think about it for a moment. Our kids lose a tooth and we tell them that this mysterious pixie with a bicuspid fetish is going to trade them canines for cash. What up with that?

One theory is that the whole story started back in the 18th century with a French fairy tale called La Bonne Petite Souris by Madame D'Aulnoy. Unforturnately the tradition didn’t originally star our familiar sprite with a bite. Oh no. Instead of a fairy there was a MOUSE. That’s right -vermin. A mouse that turns into a fairy to help the good queen by hiding under the evil king’s pillow and then torturing him by knocking out all his teeth.

Yes people, this version of the tooth fairy fable has its roots in domestic violence.

There are different traditions in other parts of the world. In some Asian countries the kid is supposed to throw the tooth on the roof or shove it into a space under the floor. If that isn’t weird enough while they dispose of their teeth they have to wish that their tooth be replaced with a mouse’s tooth. Again with the rodents. Supposedly having your teeth grow your whole life like rat’s teeth do is a good thing. It doesn’t sound like something I would want for my guys. By the time they were in their teens they would look like sabre tooth tigers. But we really should have followed the tradition of throwing baby teeth straight up and down in the air. Theoretically the permanent teeth would then come in straight. Wish I had known that one earlier, it would have saved me thousands at the orthodontist.

An older version of the story that says that the reason you have to dispose of the tooth is because of witches. These hags would use pieces of your body -teeth, hair, fingernail clippings- to curse you. Can’t you imagine? “You better pry up some of the hardwood floor Johnny or a witch will cast a love spell on you. All the girls in your class will fall in love with you.” That would drive my 1st grader to grind his teeth into dust and scatter them in the ocean.

Most kids lose their first tooth when they are five or six. To mark this occasion and to pacify kids that were afraid of the act of losing teeth the tooth fairy started dealing in cash. The amount varies; my kids get eight shiny quarters, some kids get stock options and a golden parachute.

But whatever the origin of the story or how much cash is left under the pillow, the Tooth Fairy will always be a magical part of childhood.

Queen Linda’s Annual Holiday Gift Suggestions

2009-12-04T21:52:00.003-06:00

Here it is my Majesties! Queen Linda’s Annual Holiday Gift Suggestions!

These toys are 100% boy approved. And even if you don’t want these little playthings in your home, I know you have demon nieces and nephews to shop for. Pick which sibling you hate the most and order away!

#5 Snot Shot

I love the way the manufacturer advertises this little gem. “You no longer need to stick your finger up your nose to fire globs of gooey snot at your friends.” And don’t forget, it shoots up to 40 feet!

#4 Owl Puke

Shopping at this website, Gardening with Kids.org sounds like a lovely idea. You envision a gift that can teach the kids how to plant flowers, lower their carbon footprint, grow hemlock. Not so. The Owl Puke kit contains a owl pellet promised to “contain the skeleton of at least one owl meal, be it a mouse, vole, shrew, or small bird.” Bone-sorting tray included.

#3 Mr. Mouthy Mouth

I never knew they named a toy after my boys! This is a finger puppet that has

squishy rubber gums, teeth, tongue and bulging eyeballs. If they could get the eyes to roll it would really be my teenager.

#2 Squidgy Maggot Maggot Blood Ball

I’ve never seen real maggots. Hopefully this would be the closest I ever get. This little treasure ships from the UK. But worth it. Cheerio!

#1 Radio Controlled Nasty Hairy Rat

This lifesized faux rodent sports an evil looking face, snarling teeth and beady eyes that glow red when he moves. Want to clear those loitering relatives out? Here’s the ticket.

I’m off to get my credit card.

Reign On!

Queen Linda

OMG Edward! OMG Jacob!

2009-11-30T20:22:00.003-06:00

Looking back, what was I thinking?

I took two 13 year olds, my niece and my son, to see the vampire movie Twilight Saga: New Moon. After school. On opening day. Again, what was I thinking?

In case you have been under a rock since 2005, let me bring you up to speed. Stephanie Meyer is the author of a series of four books called Twilight. The epic romance of the human Bella and her never ever, ever, ever, ever dying love for the bloodsucker Edward are wildly popular books. As in 85 million copies sold popular. Think Harry Potter for chicks, but Harry and Ron would be way hotter.

And no wonder, the book's prose is superlative. Bella says, "Though I respected the need for maintaining a safe distance between my skin and his razor-sharp, venom-coated teeth, I tended to forget about trivial things like that when he was kissing me." As cheesy as a Mexi-Melt at Taco Bell, yes?

When we arrived for the 4:45 showing the place was packed. Every showing that night was sold out. If you don’t get tickets online maybe you can see it after Christmas.

A sea of girls dressed either a tad goth or adorned in Twilight t-shirts swarmed the theater vying for the best seats. A hush fell over the crowd as the house lights began to dim. And then -applause. Really? Wow, these girls are hard core.

The first time Edward’s ebony frame filled the screen the shrieking started. Only a pig farmer hears that much squealing. Sara Grinbergs, 13, of Lakewood said that at her showing, “EVERY time Edward came out they screamed. I’m more of a Jacob fan.” I’m on Team Jacob too. That is until I found out that the actor was 17. I think that is a felony in most states. “Well, he’s young enough for me Mrs. Ford,” says Ms. Grinbergs. Little whippersnapper.

Elise Horsak, 13, saw the movie twice over the holiday break. “The first time there was a lot of screaming but not so much the second time.” I guess the hard core yelpers were there early.

The movie did mess with a few long standing myths. According to the movie when vampires get in the sun they sparkle. What up with that? I was waiting for the guy to sizzle like a chicken McNugget in the deep fryer at McDonald’s. They don’t turn into bats and fly either. Edward and company had a garage full of Volvo’s. Safety first.

My son Matthew’s take on the whole thing? “It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen. But I wouldn’t reccomend to guys.” I truly believe that he had a good time girl watching. When asked his opinion of the girl screeching he reports that it was, “Funny as hell.”

NOW Its Turkey Time!

2009-11-20T10:40:00.003-06:00

November 12, 2009

Since next Thursday is turkey time it is time to start thinking about what we are thankful for.

Okay, I’ll start.

I’m thankful that I live in the neighborhood that I do. We have a huge 4th of July parade, complete with floats and bands. It always brings me great joy to watch my kids eat candy from the gutter. I really don’t think they party like we do in Dallas’ McMansion suburbs.

I’m thankful for the wonderful schools my kids go to. With the exception of the fact that I will be paying tuition for the next 14 years. As college approaches Prince Tim is learning the ways of the scholarship world. The other day he said, “Now I get why you have been leaning over my bed whispering ‘Free ride’ all these years.” Cross your fingers on that one.

I’m thankful for turkey. The amino acid in turkey, called tryptophan, is a natural seditive. Now I have an excuse to doze after dinner and push third and fourth servings of fowl for the boys.

I am so very thankful for all of you Queens. You have all brought me great joy over the years. Here’s to many more. Thank you to all who weighed in this week about what they are thankful for. Here are the best of the best.

I am indescribably grateful that Thing One and Thing Two refrain from inspecting dog dung under their magnifying glasses (tempting though that might be), they have yet to light anything of value on fire and they stopped bringing colonies of caterpillars into the house months ago. For these things, even a Pilgrim would rejoice. -Queen Melinda

I'm thankful for my Mom, Grandmother, and roommate. They are the village that helps me raise my son! Lord knows he needs a village! -Queen Sarah

I'm thankful for my three healthy, funny, crazy, loving boys and for babysitters! -Queen Sara

I am thankful for my family and for the soldiers who protect our country. -Queen Gina

Even though my husband has been unemployed since this past May, I am thankful for everyone's good health...money can not pay for that! -Queen Donna

Give thanks all!

Gobble, Gobble,

Queen Linda

Home Alone for the First Time

2009-11-09T12:49:00.003-06:00

A few months ago we got rid of our telephone land line since we rarely used it.

Now that Prince Christopher is 8 he can stay by himself for a little while. But what if something happened while I dashed out to the grocery store for milk? What if he set the house on fire? What if the Jehovah Witnesses pounded on the door? He had no way to reach me. And I am not getting a 2nd grader a cell phone.

Back to the land line for us. It was an ordeal involving the phone company, the cell company, blah, blah, blah. Trust me, you don't want to go there. The best part of it was when, after I had been on hold for a million years, the ATT guy couldn't tell me the phone number to the ATT store. I said, "You realize that you are a communications company, a telephone company at that. Surely you can understand my amusement in the irony as I curse your employer." The sad part was that he didn't get it.

Anyway both my older boys were in school on Monday so Mr. 8 year old and I had a special day together. After a shopping trip, the dentist (Look Ma! No cavities!) and lunch we got back to the house. I didn't work out this morning, I truly need to. It keeps me sane.

We went over all the things he needs to know for my 45 minute escape. Don't answer the door, don't answer the phone, call me if you need me. Kiss, kiss, off I go.

At the Y I am on the treadmill going 9 mph when my phone rings. It's him. I was nearly propelled to the back wall of the gym as I frantically answered it. He hung up. I called him back in a panic. "What's wrong? Are you okay? Are the police on the front porch?"

He wanted to know if he left his Nerf football in the car.

I told him that I would be home in 10 minutes and he can look for himself. After I hung up I figured my heart had had enough of a workout for one day.

Anyone know a good cardiologist?

This Morning My 8 year old said...

2009-11-04T13:13:00.001-06:00

"You and Daddy are the best parents I could ask for."

I told him, "Well we are the only parents you’re ever going to get so yay for you."

What? Its true!

Sick of Christmas Yet?

2009-11-02T16:43:00.002-06:00

Now that Halloween is over our thoughts turn to Christmas.

No, wait a minute, isn’t there something else going on before December 25?

Oh yes, I do seem to remember something about people with buckles on their shoes, Indians and green bean casserole.

Thanksgiving! That’s what it is! That uniquely American tradition where we pause for a moment to give a great big thanks for all we’ve got.

I must have forgotten it. And I’m not the only one.

Our country and our children especially get sucked into the tsunami of Christmas commercialism. And every year the hype to want more, more, more, gets earlier, earlier and earlier.

In late September I was super shopping at a super store with my boys. We saw flashes of green and red gift wrap, jolly plastic Santas and stacks of stockings lurking at the end of the aisles. In the weeks that followed the brigade of holiday items marched forward ending up front and center by the first week of November. I actually heard a Christmas carol blaring over the loudspeaker at Target yesterday. My oldest boy, who has been indoctrinated in the importance of Thanksgiving before Christmas, talked me down so I didn’t leave the cart and bolt for the car. Maybe he just wanted to insure the purchase of his beloved Axe shampoo, deodorant and shower gel. I have forbidden the possession of the aerosol body spray for the sake of the ozone layer over our house.

This treason of the season isn’t limited to the stores. You can’t turn on the television without getting bombarded by commercials for special gifts that are sure to please everyone under the age of 18 on your gift list. Most ads feature rosy-cheeked cherubs dressed in designer duds living in a splendor of domestic perfection that would make Martha Stewart seem like a slacker.

The worst commercials are the ones aimed at our kids. They are enough to turn any child who would have wished for a few special gifts into a frenzied brat wanting every toy that the advertisers on Nickelodeon hawk.

I dutifully inform my sons that whatever company puts out the first Christmas commercial I see is automatically boycotted. I have stayed true to this credo for years but I admit it is not that hard since some recent offenders have been De Beers, Carnival Cruise Lines and Lexus.

What is the collateral damage in all this pre-Christmas hype? Thanksgiving.

So, what to do? Here are a few suggestions.

To combat the holiday materialism in our house we have The Turkey. He's a no feathered, bowling ball shaped, construction paper fowl, taped to the door to the pantry. Every night we go around the dinner table and share what we are thankful for. Everything gets written down on a paper feather and added to The Turkey so that by Thanksgiving day he is looking pretty good. One night last year my six year old son wrote that he was thankful for penguins. Another night I was relieved to find out that when my 13 year old wrote "speed" he meant how fast he can run and not amphetamines. My oldest son was grateful for finally being 16 so he could get his drivers license. I was grateful that I don’t have too many gray hairs due to having a car-operating teen. The boys write that they are thankful for each other, with the occasional exception of one son purposely leaving out one of the other two just to bug him.

Secondly, let’s all simply slow down. Shut off the television, skip that trip to the big box store and just enjoy the gifts around you with your children. A trip to the playground, an adventure to a museum, even a walk around the block are sure to lessen the constant barrage of buying.

And finally, let’s try to get back to the real reason for this holiday and count those blessings. It may be a hassle traveling with the kids to see relatives, but be thankful you have people want to be with you. It really stinks when the kids get the flu but be thankful if you have health insurance. It may be hard to parent at times but thank God we have our children.

When you put your mind to it there are lots of things to be grateful for. At the very least you can be thankful that there will be pecan pie for dessert.

Gobble, gobble.

2009-10-30T15:00:00.000-05:00

The first baby sitter I ever hired I snagged while she was trick or treating. On Halloween night I opened the door and a gaggle of lamely costumed teens mumbled, “Trick or treat”

“Wait a minute,” I said. “You are waaaay to old for this. Who babysits?”

One girl who looked like she had a brain in her head raised her hand. I chucked a candy bar at her and asked her to return the next day for an ‘interview’.

When she showed up she played with two year old Prince Tim (Yes, I waited until my first Prince was two before finding a sitter and I’ll tell ya, my mind was about to snap. With my last Prince I wasn’t as uptight. I left him with a sitter before his umbilical cord dropped off.) Anyway, she plays with the kiddo, he shows her his play room and toys. Then she and I adjourn to the kitchen so I can grill her on her babysitting experience.

After a bit the only sound I hear from the playroom is silence. “Excuse me a moment,” I say during my last calm minute of the morning.

I peeked down the hall and see the front door wide open. I bolt outside and see Prince Tim sprinting down the block, intent on getting as far away as possible. Two years of hanging around with me 24/7, remember? Who could blame him?

Now I don’t need to look for a potential babysitter on Halloween night. But for some reason every year all the Reese’s peanut butter cups have been tampered with and are therefore unsafe for my children to consume.

Munch, munch, delicious.

Here are some Halloween boy stories for you.

From Queen Theresa of Lincoln, Nebraska-

I was at Target with my 3 princes and my husband. When we walked by a display of Halloween thongs Chris, age 8, blurted out, “Wow Dad, Mom would look really hot in those!” Several customers were quite amused by his outburst but also by my husband’s face turning 10 shades of red!!!

And from Queen Paige of Singapore-

While trick or treating I was dawdling along with my two year old Prince Mason while his 4 year old brother moved at a faster pace across the street with my husband. I stopped to chat with some friends. Caught up in the Mommy gossip, I wasn't completely watching my littlest one and didn't notice he was eating all the candy out of his plastic pumpkin. He then starts choking. My husband runs across the street, scoops up Prince Mason and puts the little guy face to face with him. The choking child promptly vomited all consumed candy -foil, wrappers and all- onto my husband. The moral of the story: Always aim a choking child AWAY from your face. This year my husband says he's staying home to hand out candy."

Have a great Halloween!

Reign On!

Queen Linda

I admit it...

2009-10-26T09:51:00.000-05:00

... I used Goof Off to get the days old band aid residue off my son's elbow

Wanna Volunteer?

2009-10-23T17:23:00.001-05:00

Fellow Queens!

Let’s talk about volunteering for your kid’s school.

I remember when my oldest was little that there were three women who ran the school. Really, they ruled over all things volunteer. They were amazing, a force to be reckoned with as they offered up their services for everything from coordinating the carnival to convincing parents to prepare dishes for the teacher appreciation breakfast. One year I signed up for that one and proudly presented my cheesy, sausage casserole creation only to be met by blank stares. Yep, I had brought a meat dish on a Friday during Lent. Catholic, remember? Where’s a hungry Baptist when you need one?

After a few years I said to one dynamo, “You know, if you keep up this pace you are going to be in a padded cell, sucking your thumb, screaming, “Don’t forget to sign up for a slot at the sports concession stand.” She laughed and said that she would be volunteering until her kids graduate. I hope she meant from high school.

I think that anyone who chairs the carnival or auction does it as part of a plea bargain. They should be excused from any other volunteering that may be needed. Maybe they need a 12 step program to just say no next time.

After forgetting, I mean unavoidably missing due to severe vomiting, work conflicts, the water heater exploding,the sun getting in my eyes, (yeah, that’s it!) I have decided to be a stealth volunteer due to my overwhelming guilt. Again, Catholic.

I keep an eye on when envelope stuffing, alphabetizing library books and T shirt sorting will happen and then I just show up. Linda to the rescue. I feel like Wonder Woman. “Thank God you’re here! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Cutting laminate is my favorite, it reminds me of therapy in the day room.

I never do cafeteria, If a snotty nosed kid asked me to heat up his Hot Pocket I would truly go over the edge.

However they don’t let me let me bring my own book for special guest reading time. I evidently push my feminist/pacifist agenda of onto the children. I did however sneak in The Paper Bag Princess

where the princess decides that the prince is a ‘bum’ and doesn’t have to marry him after he spews some patriarchal drivel to her. This is after she saves him from a dragon. What a moron.

I also read Rolan Dahl’s The Magic Finger

to impress upon their malleable minds that if hunters are going to shoot ducks then the ducks should have AKA assault rifles to even the playing field.

And just think, my kids will be done with high school in 2019.

Reign On!

Queen Linda

Our Wild Things

2009-10-16T14:18:00.002-05:00

I love Lisa Belkin's Motherlode blog.

Here is a discussion on letting our boys be boys!

I’m Going On Strike

2009-10-16T14:08:00.000-05:00

Really.

I have decided that the Queen is tending to too many things in the castle and I am overwhelmed. When that happens I just spin and try to prioritize but I usually end up in the fetal position sucking my thumb. The Princes are old enough and are not pulling their weight for Team Ford. So I had a serious meeting with them at the dinner table last night.

“Guys, I need a little help here. Prince Christopher -If you leave a room, bring your empty juice boxes and bowls of chips to the kitchen. Prince Tim -If you wash your football pants every night then I know you know how to use washing machine. Busted. Gather up the laundry baskets, sort and wash a load. When you take things out of the dryer, put what is in the washer in the dryer. If you can’t be responsible enough to help with the laundry then you aren’t responsible for something as big as driving a big metal box around town. Prince Matthew -If you see tracks of dirt, waffle crusts and a dead cockroach on the kitchen floor, sweep it up. And while we are at it ask Prince Tim how the whole laundry thing works.

If you do not improve I will go on strike. I will sleep in every morning and you can get yourselves to school. I will not do laundry, I will not cook meals and I will not drive you anywhere. And you will not like it. The Queen has spoken!”

Prince Matthew took my tirade to heart. This morning, on his own, he put a load of their towels that had started to mold in the washer. Amazed, I ventured over to watch this monumental event. Unbelievably he then pivited to get the clothes out of the dryer. I figured I would be pushing my luck if he actually folded them but hey, I’ll take what I can get. As he opened the dryer door an empty blue ink pen clattered to the floor.

He looked at me with hugh eyes and prepared for me to go ballistic. What are you going to do? I just cracked up and we laughed until tears were rolling down our faces.

I won’t go into the state of the ill fated clothing. You have all starred in that movie.

At least I know they had listened the night before and had taken my rant to heart. It is worth a pair of jeans (or two, or three) to have them pitch in for Team Ford.

Reign On!
Queen Linda

Zombies have invaded the castle.

2009-10-09T09:46:00.002-05:00

Maybe its the commercials for the Zombieland movie (which I saw by the way, two thumbs up!), the recent zombie vs. vampire article in the Dallas Morning News

or simply the fact that Halloween is coming up. But around here every day is ruled by the undead.

Yesterday I was showing Prince Christopher a Bugs Bunny cartoon on my computer.

After all it is my responsibility as a parent to educate my sons in the way of all things Bugs. They learn about about opera, cross dressing and are amazed that I know all of the lines.

After the cartoon, the website led us back to the home page where a new game awaited. Attack of the Tweety Zombies!

How could I resist. We clicked in.

It is the best game ever. Sylvester is in a graveyard and a zombie Tweey bird arises from the grave saying, “Sylvester!’ and “Brains!” Not in that high pitched speech impaired voice, but a creepy zombie growl. You are Sylvester and you have to jump on Tweety’s head to get rid of him. If Tweety gets you, no worries, you have nine lives.

I am playing it more then they are. Which actually isn’t hard since they can’t turn on the computer or TV until the weekends.

At dinner last night, all three boys, had a serious discussion on where we would go and hide if the zombies showed up. The attic was their best guess since supposedly zombies can’t climb. But after perusing Max Brooks’ book The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead

I learned that “No place is safe, only safer.”

I think I’ll tell the boys. Oh, wait, that may move up their need for therapy a few years.

Reign On!

Queen Linda

I just went through the house...

2009-10-09T09:43:00.001-05:00

... actually saying, "Where is the scotch tape. I saw it yesterday. I know it isn't where it is supposed to be."

and just in case you missed this party idea...

2009-10-08T09:06:00.001-05:00

From Queen Lisa of PA

Our favorite party (for my twin boys) was a trip to hike at a local nature preserve (pack snacks and a first aid kit) followed by burgers and dogs on the grill, then camping in tents in the backyard overnight. It had all the fun of camping, but with the benefit of indoor plumbing. Breakfast was easy---very large platters of pancakes and gallons of milk.
Party favors? Flashlights, of course!

Birthday Party Rec from Queen Laurie

2009-10-08T09:01:00.001-05:00

"My youngest Prince was hooked on ChuckECheese for years ... until he discovered Dave & Busters.

Much nicer for the adults - full bar!"

Oh yea! I'm checking that out today!

Speaking of Bad Breath

2009-10-08T08:09:00.002-05:00

On the fridge there is this list of things the boys have to every morning. Like brush their teeth, oh the horror.

Why can't they pull their heads out and do it? Not like the list hasn't been there for 10 YEARS!

I am wondering...

2009-10-07T19:29:00.002-05:00

how a boy's breath can smell so bad in the morning! Ackk, ackk, cough, cough!

"With Our Busy Schedules, What Are Your 3 Valid Tips for Getting Dinner Ready in a Flash?”

2009-10-06T15:47:00.004-05:00

Samsung contest o' the week. And who doesn't want a free refrigerator? ok, I would rather have a trip to Aruba but....

So, 3 tips for getting dinner ready speedy quick.

#1 Crockpot + meat + envelope of onion soup mix + can of cream of mushroom soup = dinner

#2 When you do have to break down and cook, make a double batch and freeze the rest.

#3 Keep plenty of lunch meat in the fridge for sandwiches, whip up some mac and cheese -Viola! dinner in 10 minutes

I think 'any drive-thru' would be #4 but I won't go there

Queen Misty and Queen Kathryn Report in on Birthday Parties!

2009-10-06T09:56:00.002-05:00

My 7-year-old is so obsessed with G.I. Joe (the classic, not the new movie) that we had a "boot camp" birthday party. My husband made an obstacle course, complete with climbing wall, balance beam, tire run, rope swing and crawl-under. I made the birthday cake, a tank complete with sparkler coming out of the gun (a cereal straw). I'm pretty sure Prince Daniel will never forget that birthday!

Queen Misty

While I don't have a favorite party, I do have a favorite gift. I am the reigning queen of five princes and we have all the associated pets to go along. Connor, my now 14 year old prince, threatened to move out if we got any more animals. So guess when queen cat had her kittens - on Prince Connor's 14th birthday. I couldn't wait to wake him up and tell him I got him kittens for his birthday! Oh the joy. He didn't see the humor in it - imagine that.

Reign on!

Queen Kathryn

I Just Had To Tell The 7 year old

2009-10-06T07:42:00.002-05:00

You can not bring your army gun to school.

I mean, really?

Jeez

2009-10-05T09:43:00.003-05:00

I am the most incredibly remedial Queen. I've been trying to connect to Twitter and figure out that thing. Could you possibly try to connect with me so I know I've done it right? I would appreciate it ever so. Thanks

"Chuck E. Cheese isn't evil, Mommy."

This was a comment I must have made before. As we passed the pizza joint my then-5-year-old Prince Christopher parroted it back to me. I would rather poke my eyes out than go there. I think I would rather slice a jalapeno pepper and put that in my eyes before I poke my eyes out.

Oh wait, did I say that out loud?

For one thing I never have understood the appeal of Chuck E. Cheese. It is beyond me how some parents think that a six foot tall rat charging toward their freaked out toddler to give them a hug is a good thing. I have seen many a child scarred for life after that encounter. A birthday to remember for sure.

If that experience doesn’t stay with the kiddos, the smell of the ball pit will.

Back then Mr. Man was workin' it. He starting to wield the greatest power a kindergartener can - the dreaded "Oh yeah, then I'm not going to invite you to my birthday party!" I'm sure you all have been there. He can pull that on his brothers but not the Queen. All it takes is a "Oh yeah, well I'm not going to invite you to go Trick-or-Treating with me. So there!" from me and he dissolves into the sweetie boy I'm more familiar with. He comes over, pats my hand and says, "Okay Mommy. You can come to my birthday party." I'll save the date.

Now he is older and wiser. The hype for the anniversary of his birth starts around mid-June. Did I mention his birthday is October 18? He lobbies for party themes (which change rapidly), what the contents of the goody bags will be and who he wants to invite. Finally I had to lay down the law. “My birthday (Aug 25) comes before yours (not Aug 25). May I (born on Aug 25) make the suggestion that you (again, not born on Aug 25) plan for that day (Aug 25) instead?” What can I say? They are boys, I have to get important things across literally and subliminally.

We come to an agreement. No party talk until October 1. Well guess what month it is now. He actually was having a countdown to the first and now negotiations are in full swing.

The plans have not been finalized but the opening round went something like this-

“How about a bounce house with the basketball hoop inside?” he suggests.

“No, you will all collide and break your heads.”

“Miniature golf?” he ventured.

“No, I’m not giving you pseudo-clubs.”

“Batting cages?”

“Again, the club thing. Think on it some more.”

I’m going to back down until we agree to partying in the backyard with family and friends playing pin the tail on the donkey after eating home made cake.

Remember those parties? Let me know about your favorite one, yours or your kid's.

My Majesties

2009-09-29T09:46:00.002-05:00

Queens!

Today your fellow Majesties take over! Here are some boy stories for you to enjoy.

From a Queen who refers to herself as “The other Queen Linda” -

My 9-year-old son asked if when he went to college would he still see me every day. I cautiously explained that he probably wouldn't want to or have time do that. Also that it might not be very practical if he went to school out of state. "What about AFTER college?" he persisted. "Can I see you ever day then? I could buy Mr. Harry's house two doors down. Then, if you were ever sick, I could come and take care of you every day."

This is the same child who pretends he doesn't know me in public. Hmmm, I wonder if Mr. Harry's house will still be for sale in 2018?

From Queen Mary -

All summer long I told myself I would wait until school started to get the carpet cleaned. My four boys are constantly running around with dirty shoes and feet. The Monday school started I paid hundreds of dollars to get all the carpets cleaned. I bought shoe crates and put letters on them for each kid so they could take their shoes off at the back door. I was so excited. The next day, after school, the boys clogged the toilet and it leaked all over the tile floor to the carpet.

I love my boys but I next time I am going to put up a tent in the back yard so that I can enjoy my clean house for a few days.

From Queen Jen of Crown Point, Indiana -

I have three princes, ages 13, 8 and 7. For reasons I'm sure everyone understands, I do not allow food or drink in their bedrooms. Once in awhile I find a stash of goodies and/or trash in Nick's room. I had just done a thorough cleaning in there, and about a week later went in to find empty drink boxes and a half-eaten bag of corn chips. I was fuming and called Nick into his bedroom. I had everything in my hands, and said, quite loudly," Do you want to have mice in your room?". The look on his face changed from horror to excitement as he ran out and found his brothers, yelling, "MOM SAYS WE CAN GET SOME MICE!!!!!".

From Queen Timarie in Cicero New York -

Kyle and Domenic (both 4) are playing with the car race track. They just put parts end to end and made a ramp for the cars to slide down. Domenic keeps doing something that makes it fall apart. Kyle doesn't want to keep putting it back together so he says, "Who do you think I am Domenic? I am not Bob the Builder. Can I fix it? No I can't. I am done fixing your problems, Domenic. I am Kyle. I am NOT Bob the Builder!”

And finally, from Queen Sara in Holland, Michigan -

The other day I heard my one year old Prince and his two year old brother giggling. I thought, "Wow, they are such great brothers! I'm so happy that they play together so well!" When I walked into my room I found my newly cleaned carpets covered in toilet paper that was flying out of my fan! Jack and Peter thought it was really fun watching the little shreds of toilet paper fly throughout the room and stick to my carpet! It looked like it had snowed in my bedroom.

If you haven’t sent me a boy story in awhile, please do so. The Queen Has Spoken!

Reign On!

Queen Linda

I can't figure out Twitter

2009-09-28T20:04:00.004-05:00

so I'm going to eat ice cream and watch my cute boyfriend Hugh Laurie on House.

Yes, I Know My Son's Name Is Christopher...

2009-09-25T13:22:00.002-05:00

but I actually had to tell him that he couldn't shorten it to 'Christ'

2009-09-18T08:37:00.000-05:00

On Twitter Moms the question of the day from Samsung is 'Where is the Heart of the Home?'Now my first response is that it is in the laundry room but that is only when the boys have the stomach flu. But my real answer is that the heart is in each one in the Ford castle. The heart resides in me, for loving my family so much that I continue to keep us chugging along.It resides in my husband as his love for our family grows each day as he fulfills his promise to provide for us. Emotionally, financially and spiritually.It resides in my sons as we strive to have them grow into respectful, confident men who are responsible for their own actions.This is my goal, this is what resides in my heart.

Labels: boys, heart, Linda Marie Ford, twitter moms

draft

College Night

2009-09-16T15:59:00.001-05:00

Fellow Queens,

Remember last week when I talked about back to school night? Boy I felt smug then, didn’t I. Well the tables were turned on my sweet leather-clad self. I attended the College Information Night at my son’s high school.

The college counselor and form master had talked to the class that afternoon and gave the boys a brief outline of what was to come. Prince Tim gave me a heads up when he got home from school. All he did was smile slyly and say, “Oh, just wait.”

After the pre-meeting socializing was over I tried to find a seat close to a trash can in case the need to hurl arose. The whole college journey made me queasy. Deadlines, applications, essays, the SAT, the ACT, my PMS; the whole thing made my head spin.

Thankfully the school’s counselor is amazing. Number one, she only has boys. That earns my respect right there. And number two, she has the most soothing voice ever. Not the kind that makes you nod off, but the kind the SWAT team uses to talk people off the ledge. That is exactly what I needed.

I now realize that it isn’t the process of Prince Tim getting into college that is upsetting. It is the fact that he is only two years from going that is unsettling. I swear I just had that kid. Really. I still have the baby weight.

College night was just another reminder that he is not a boy anymore but a young man. And earning to let him go is just another part of parenting.

Reign On!

Queen Linda

A Trip to NYC with my Second Grade Prince

2009-09-14T12:29:00.001-05:00

Due to same last minute family scheduling conflicts a dear friend and fellow Queen ended up needing two to round out a traveling foursome. So she asked me if Prince Christopher and I could fly to NY to see a Yankee game with her and her prince.

Yeah, right, don’t mind me as I jet off to New York.

But the tickets were paid for, the hotel was paid for, did I have miles for the flight? Hubby looked and we had enough - barely enough.

So off we went.

We had an incredible time and I realized that the two boys learned way more than if they had been in school that Friday.

We had music class. At one of the subway stops a mariachi band, complete with sequined shirts and hats, got on. They sang a song while one of them strolled the car for donations. Then as quickly as they got on, they got off. I lived in the city for years so this is just another day underground to me but the kids looked awfully confused. Ah well, it builds character.

We learned about compassion, mental health and poverty by seeing the homeless hiding in various doorways and begging on street corners. “What are they doing? Why do they live on the street? Where is their house? What can we do?” All wonderful questions that opened up long, thoughtful conversations.

Physical fitness and balance were improved. Little boys who get chauffeured everywhere are not used to walking on hard concrete. “My feet hurt,” he said after the first day. “Get used to it,” I say. Their first journey onto the subway was great. I’ve seen it a million times but it always makes laugh when I see armatures try to stand while clutching the pole. If you don’t hold on tight enough and shift your feet with the movement of the train you end up rolling down the length of the car. We didn’t let them roll that far, I promise.

We also had a health lesson. My son insisted on sleeping on the love seat instead of in the bed. And he got company. When we got home I discovered that he had been bitten by bed bugs. I don’t mean to sick you out or anything, (too late) but evidently they are a growing problem in hotels. They like to roll in on someone’s luggage, hang for a bit and then hitch a ride to your house on your luggage to play. The good news is that they are just like mosquito bites, they aren’t harmful or anything like that, just enough to trip your gag reflex and call an exterminator just to ease your total freak out. I begged the bug guy to use DDT. He mumbled something about it being banned and then said he didn’t have any. I’m finding some on the black market.

One of the funniest moments was when Christopher learned disappointment. One night he bounded into a cab for his first ever taxi ride. He immediately asks the driver, “Is this the Cash Cab?” The gentleman was wearing a large, beautiful Sikh turban and had no idea what Prince Christopher was talking about. Alas no trivia questions for my kid.

It was an totally expected exciting trip. I had a chance to really have some one on one time with Mr. Man. I’m sure it was way better than a Friday spelling test.

Reign On!

Queen Linda

Get that baby fashionable!

2009-09-11T07:36:00.006-05:00

Today starts the semi-annual Gap Outlet Baby Sale for newborns to 5 year olds! It will run until the 24th.

Gosh knows they have cuter baby clothes than any clothes I'll ever own. Here is the link you need! www.gapoutlet-twittermoms.com

Boy Thinking

2009-09-07T18:37:00.004-05:00

I want to patent this phrase. But I'm sure that once someone finds out about it they will patent it and make millions of dollars while I sit and stew. It has happened before. Stew, Stew, Stew.

Let’s weigh in on this week’s topic - Back to school night!

2009-09-04T09:37:00.000-05:00

With the start of school comes the formidable back to school night. What fun! Here is how it rolls with me.

First of all, I plan my outfit.

I do feel that the administration and I need to get things off to a truthful start, so I usually wear my motorcycle leathers. You know, the boot cut leather pants, the side lace up vest. A few years ago my kids gave me a leather do-rag to complete the ensamble. I think it sets a certain tone. Never mind the fact that the one and only time I got on a motorcycle I popped the clutch, took off, missed one tree and didn’t think my luck would hold out so I just lightly tapped the next tree thus slowing me down enough to hop off. The boyfriend picked up the bike before he picked up me. If I had mastered the art of riding I would have left him there in the woods.

But I digress. Last Wednesday night was the BTSN for my 8th grader. Every teacher mentioned that some of their curriculum will focus on getting the kids prepared for the ICEE. I have heard rumor of said test, it is administered to youngsters considering a private high school. In the spirit of fairness I have decided to insist that my child also take the Slurpee test. Some people just don’t get me.

We should also adhere to the ‘no rescue’ policy. It is evidently time to let the young little fledglings fly on their own.

Now I have been doing this for years. My boys only had to call me from school a few times to see how I handle this situation.

“Mom, I forgot my lunch.” “Today is the day you find out which one of your friends have cash, my son.”

“Mom, can you bring me my homework? I left it at home.” “Yes, I know, I have been reading your essay for fun. I hope I can finish before you turn it in tomorrow.”

They learned.

Once I got a call from a mom who’s child had forgotten his math book. She wanted to know if she could come over, take the book to Kinkos and run off the problems. Okie dokie. She rang the bell, I gave her the book and took one look at my son. He quickly said, “You wouldn’t do that for me in a million years.” “That is exactly right, my young Jedi. And your friend should have solved his problem, not his Mommy.”

I often wonder whether she did his homework too.

I’m sure some of you think that I am a horrible parent for this credo. But I would rather have my children learning to fly now so they won’t crash into the windows of the real world later.

This week is the back to school night for my 2nd grader. More on that soon, but I think I'll wear my crown.

Reign On!
Queen Linda

The Best Queen E-Mail ever! Thank you Queen Landy!

2009-09-01T15:06:00.000-05:00

Hello Queen Linda,

I've loved your e-mails for months! They've made me think, cry, and so far I've avoided peeing in my pants from laughter. I will say that your last e-mail had me and my friends really talking AND thinking about how we would have handled the situation that your prince placed you in. Although I felt it was harsh I didn't think that it warranted my opinion. Here's why...he's not my son and you know him better than me! You felt that was the best discipline for your son. Who am I to tell you what I think about it?!

I cringe to think was others think of my parenting skills. I'm a firm believer in the Love & Logic method of parenting which sounds exactly like how you parent. I allow my kids to make mistakes. Hello! If they wear a helmet to protect their heads as toddlers they'll never learn to duck under the table! Anyway, I appreciate that you talk about the in's and out's of raising boys. Not only have you given me fodder to use later but you've also allowed me to make u-turns in my parenting ways. Do-overs if you will. I'm a queen who reigns over a 5 year old and 19 month old and the only mom with multiple boys in our playgroup. So there are some very distinct differences in my friend's kids and my boys. We've allowed our oldest to make and learn from his mistakes. I've never corrected them for him. Prince 2 will be taught in much the same way. No...I will not do your homework and you have only this much time to do it if you want to play on the Wii!

Anyway, I look forward to hearing more from you. Thanks for making this site so invaluable in many ways

Wow! You Queens Really Had a Lot To Say!

2009-08-22T13:54:00.000-05:00

My recent post on discipline sparked more emails from you than any other!

So many of you wanted to hear what other moms had to say about this and I have posted quite a few of the comments here.

There is a blog called Motherlode by Lisa Belkin in the New York Times. Their format is similar to what I've done here with your comments. I would love for you to weigh in here or via email when you have something to say about my Weekly Address. I loved the conversation this week and would really like to keep it up.

Remember, we are all in this together. The mission of the Queendom is to celebrate being the only source of estrogen in our castles and support each other as we face the challenges of raising responsible, respectful men.

Out of all your comments I only received one from a Queen that thought I was a little harsh.

"I'm so glad that you asked for others' opinions regarding the punishment for Prince Christopher. I was planning on writing and giving you my opinion about this, but I wasn't sure until I read your last line where you wanted to know if you did the right thing. Now I absolutely understand your frustrations with having your children lie to you because I feel the same way. And don't you sometimes wonder, "What's the point of this lie?" I mean, it's just maddeing. But in this situation, I truly believe you overreacted. Unless Christopher is a habitual liar, I think it just wasn't worth the time and effort it took in pulilng this off, not to mention pretty much putting a damper on YOUR day. I just hated that it preoccupied your thinking all day. You know what I mean. Don't get me wrong - I think I would have reprimanded him and given him some form of punishment like being in his room or not playing with friends for that day, but it seemed a tad mean-spirited to go to the effort of actually driving to Mickey Dee's and then turn around, and I can tell that you're a loving mom! Honestly, I wouldn't have gone this far. But don't beat yourself up over this. And you may feel that it was the right thing to do in your situation. Sometimes you have to be in the middle of something to truly assess it and just go with your gut. What did your hubby think? I believe it would be a great idea to compile everyon'e opinions on this, and do a follow-up column giving the percentage of "yays" and "nays" on this subject from your readers. And just so you feel better, one day my kids were acting so wild (they're 6 and 8 years old), I told them I would leave! I meant to run and errand and come back while my hubby watched them, just to get out of the house, and they were almost in tears saying, "You're going to leave our family?" Wow, you talk about feeling bad for days! I think sometimes our judgment can be a tad skewed when we are fed up! But Linda, I feel that many readers will agree with you, and I know that John Rosemund, that great columnist on child rearing, would agree! I love his no nonsense approach. For myself, I probably wouldn't have gone this far, but it's no biggie. Sometimes you gotta do things like this to make an impact. I'll guarantee Christopher won't lie about this any time soon! Take care, and keep that column coming." -Queen Sally

Here are the best of the rest. Feel free to weigh in again!

"You are awesome! Hail to the Queen!" -Queen Jocelyn

"I just wanted to let you know that I think your "punishment" and dungeon time was completely right on the money. I tremendously liked the McDonald's trip (will add this to my arsenal!!), and I think that the subsequent sentencing was completely in line. As for you feeling you undid the time with your "caving," I disagree. As a teacher of middle school and a mother of two princes, I fully accept that they don't always come willingly and knowlegeably to the lessons I try so valiantly to instill. Sometimes you must actually lead the horse to the water, even though he is dying of thirst. If the horse drinks it is still a success, even if he was led!! As for the "proud" quip...that's classic. I, too, have a 7 1/2 year old prince, and he all too often is my drama child (I teach theatre, am I surprised??) who seeks attention, reassurance, and is very much the people-pleaser/entertainer.

It's probably rare for you to get such a response to your newsletters, but this one echoed my experiences, and you seemed unsure of yourself in the end. Please be assured that you did everything right (at least from this novice's opinion)...and you are my hero!! Reign on!!" -Queen Teri

"If you're actually looking for opinions on whether or not you did the right thing, my vote is yes. I think the way you handled it will leave a lasting impression on him, especially the McDonald's part! -Queen Carol

"What do I think? You should teach parenting classes. My girlfriend caught her son in a lie when he was about that age and made him choose between forgoing trick-or-treating at Halloween or playing in his championship soccer game (he was a star player). After tortuous consideration, he decided that he couldn’t let his team down so he stayed in his room on October 31^st. Like you, she nipped that problem early. Now, I have to add that I’m just as impressed that your son will actually make his own breakfast. My boys will slide into blood sugar crashes before they attempt to fix their own food. -Queen Suzi

Don't second-guess yourself. You handled this better than many other moms would have. Prince Christopher will remember that when he lied to you, he not only got caught, but there were consequences. My princes are going to be 25 and 23 in the next few months. Believe me! The little lies can become bigger lies as they get older. "No, Mom, I didn't have any alcohol tonight." at a time when they were under 21 yeas of age. Luckily, my sons didn't lie when the situation was unethical, immoral or dangerous. They very often came home to tell us that they left their friends because those same buddies were either doing something illegal or getting ready to egg someone's house. Enjoy every moment with your babes. They grow too fast - and then move away! And, before you know it, you will be hearing from them asking for your advice on how to prevent their boys from lying to them!!!" -Queen Beverly

I was just curious how you responded to his question. I would have a very

hard time responding and I think it would really hurt me also. If I had to respond to

something like this, I think it would be something like: This doesn't make me proud,

but I was really trying to make you realize how upset I was that you lied to me to

begin with. I really hope we do not have to go through something like this again, K?

I would rather you be truthful, even if it is gonna get you in trouble, than lie to me

and me find out. That would make me even angrier and hurt in the long run.

Sound reasonable? -Queen Barbara in Washington

You did the right thing! -Queen Cathleen

My middle prince also has issues with finding the truth....but he's 11 and I really think he should know better by now. I haven't found a punishment severe enough yet!

My most recent story though is from my youngest prince of 3 (prince 1 is 14, 2 is 11 and 3 is 8). We started back to school on Monday. It was time for bed on Sunday night and prince 3 says to me, "Mom, wake me up really, really early tomorrow morning.". I think, great - he's really excited for school. It's going to be a great year. I say, "So, prince 3, how early do you want to get up?" Prince 3 rationalizes, "Well, Mom how about 6am?" Hmmm....6am seems very early indeed since his bus doesn't arrive until 8:30 - something else must be up. I say, "Why in the world would you want to get up 2 1/2 hours before your bus arrives?". Prince 3 states as serious as can be, "I need to read the 20 books tomorrow morning for the Summer Reading Challenge.". Ah, my little procrastinator. No Summer Reading Program popcicle party for him! -Queen Carol

You absolutely did the right thing. I would never have thought of the trip to McDonalds. Except you were too nice with the food choices!! I can remember my son "forgot" his lunch one day for school and called me at work to ask for McDonalds. I brought him the bag - but imagine his surprise when he pulled out a salad!! It never happened again!! -Queen Cathy

I've heard time outs are supposed to be one minute per year of age, but, hey, my boys are little barbarians. Maybe 2 1/2 hours in a corner would be beneficial to them. I loved the McDonald's thing! -Queen Chloe

Kudos to the queen! He won’t ever forget that lesson. I believe you did the right thing…Now if only I had your guts…Guess I need to toughen up, great lesson, thanks for sharing! -Queen Karen

Awesome punishment! I especially loved the Mickey D's fakeout. You're a woman after my own heart. -Queen Missy

I think you did well because it was equal to his offense and you connected it to his emotions and yours. I find that time out does wonders for boys. Today I wanted to put my 18 year old on time out away from his new girlfriend. They were holding hands and talking in his pigsty of a bedroom. UGH! She must be in love not to mind those year old piles of dirty tissues, laundry completely covering the floor and empty shipping boxes for every toy he ever received. Queen Jenny J

Now I know why you are Queen! My boys are older now, 18 and 22 - but, boy, Linda...do I wish I had thought of that McDonalds "drive-thru" when I wanted to make a point with them when they were little! I bow to you...I am not worthy!!! -Queen Donna

I love the McDonald's lie. However, you gave him too nice of a lunch and a snack. I would have only given the prisoner bread and water. HEE HEE. -Queen Sheri Fredericksburg, VA.

That was awesome! I can't wait to use it on my own Princes of Darkness! Queen Cassie

Reign on My Majesties!

Queen Linda

School Starts

2009-08-17T08:21:00.001-05:00

Next week.

'Nuff said.

Do you think that when Vick runs on to....

2009-08-14T07:36:00.000-05:00

the field that the Eagles stadium will play, "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

Pediatrician Party

2009-08-09T18:39:00.001-05:00

This week the two older princes went to the pediatrician for their yearly sports physicals. It is so nice to not have a visit necessitated by extreme vomiting. (Hmmm. Extreme Vomiting. Sounds like a show on the Spike channel.)

When Prince Tim was a babe we were on the three-circle roller coaster of ear infections. He has one, antibiotics, recheck in two weeks, its gone, one week later back again for an ear infection... you get the idea. And no one gets to sleep on that ride. One week when the doc walked in I took one look at him and said, “I am so sick of seeing you.” I’m sure the feeling was mutual.

So while Prince Tim and the newly minted teenager Prince Matthew were in the hallway getting weighed and measured the nurse starts asking me all these questions. “How many hours are they sleeping?” “Do you want summer sloth hours or school year hours?” I say this because last week after Prince Matthew had been on the couch alternately watching the TV and snoozing, I ran into the room and poured salt on him screaming, “Slug! Slug!”

“Are they eating well?” Is she out of her mind. Evidently the woman does not have three boys consuming food like the sharks on Discovery Channel’s Shark Week. “How are their bowel movements?” “Gee, I don’t know, that doesn’t come up during the dinnertime conversation.”

She handed me the ‘normal development’ sheets and fled. Again, another employee of Pediatricians of Dallas who is sick of seeing me.

When the boys returned the taunting began. Prince Matthew the Younger was now only 3/4 of an inch shorter than Prince Tim the Older. Matthew grew nine inches in the last two years. I checked for stretch marks on his back.

“I’m almost as tall as you Tim!”

“Oh yeah, well I weigh 29 pounds more than you!”

“Shrimp!”

“Shrimpy jumbo moron!”

“Knock it off or I’m gonna knock your heads together! They will have to say that you both have a concussion and that’s it for your sports careers!”

That worked.

They check their hearing by sticking this thing in their ear that makes tones and the boys have to raise their hand every time they hear one. Prince Tim is taking his test and Prince Matthew starts messing with him saying, “Beep....beep” under his breath. They both have perfect hearing and therefore have no reason to say they can’t hear me.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics 16 year olds are prone to be “self-involved.” Duh. I can’t remember the last day I didn’t look at him and say “One, two; it’s all about you.”

He also should be displaying ‘intellectual interests’ at this age. Hmm. I think at this point his cognitive pursuits are focusing on the next level of Battlefield Two and when he can go to the mall and hang out.

On the thirteen year old sheet I just had to skip over the ‘Physical Development’ part. I couldn’t read about ‘May try to experiment with body” while they were in the room. I then compensated by reading aloud.

“Hey Matthew, this says you should be showing moody behavior.” He grins, looks at me and sweetly says “Mommy, I’m not moody.” Then he switched to this screeching voice and finishes, “I NEVER AM!” Funny.

“It also says that you think in terms of the present rather than the future. I guess that explains why it is the second week of August and you still haven’t finished your summer reading essays.” Boy, he got moody then.

Next they got to pee in a cup. As they left the room I yelled down the hall, “Don’t forget to test for amphetamines. And STDs while you’re at it.”

They checked out well and are both healthy boys. Physically of course. Being raised by me will probably wreck havoc with their mental health. But I am a good enough mommy to take them to Sonic for slushies on the way home.

If You Really Want to Jack with your Teenager

2009-08-09T18:11:00.000-05:00

While you are cutting his hair with the clippers say things like_

Oops!

I thought this was a #6. Its really #3? Crap!

and my favorite

I never knew you had that birthmark on your head.

The Old Man and the Sea

2009-08-05T21:52:00.000-05:00

Old guy catches big fish.

Sharks eat fish.

Life sucks.

Last Night's Dream

2009-07-31T13:32:00.000-05:00

I dreamed that I was emerging from a burning building. A fireball about to erupt turning me into a crispy critter.

Never fear!

I emerged from the inferno with my coffee maker safely nestled in my arms.

Thank God!