Last Night's Dream

I dreamed that I was emerging from a burning building. A fireball about to erupt turning me into a crispy critter.

Never fear!

I emerged from the inferno with my coffee maker safely nestled in my arms.

Thank God!

The Discipline Issue

Remember that old Mazola commercial where the beautiful native American woman says “You call it corn, we call it maise?”  Well, Some call this cruel, I call it parenting.

This morning when I staggered downstairs to get coffee I saw that my 7 1/2 year old was playing on the Wii. I reminded him of my rule stating that he had to eat breakfast and be dressed for the day before he turned on the TV. I don’t count polar bear pajama bottoms as dressed. 

I went on to ask him if he had had breakfast. He repeatedly stated that he had. As I proceeded to make coffee I noticed something. The toaster wasn’t left out on the counter. The syrup was in the cabinet where it belongs. The garbage bag did not have a sticky paper plate hanging on the outside of it.

I had been lied to. 

The situation required swift and serious action. I felt I was justified in pulling an unused gem out of my treasure trove of parenting tricks. And it wouldn’t be pretty.

First I lulled my son into a sense of normalcy. I read the paper, had my coffee and went to the gym. At lunchtime I said we would go to McDonald's. Joy ensues. “I thought you didn’t like McDonald's Mommy.” “I hate it, I can assure you I won’t eat the food.” I haven’t dined there for a decade, though if I did want a colon cleanse I would snarf a quarter pounder.

We load up and head to Micky Dees. I pull into the parking lot, drive around the building and then head home. He is stunned into silence. At the stop light I spin around and simply state, “You lied to me about breakfast. I lied to you about lunch.” 

I truly expected a hysterical fit. My eardrums were grateful, he was silent most of the way home. About a block from the house he asked, “When does school start?” Hilarious.

When we got home I asked him how he felt when I lied to him. “Bad.” “Did you feel bad when you lied to me?” A slight nod of the head and then silence.

Mr. Man was put into the corner to think about the error of his ways. 

1:30 - Sentence begins

1:47 - A lunch of potato chips, yogurt, granola bar and glass of juice is served (Warden Mom puts juice in cup with handle in case prisoner tries to drag it across the wood blinds shouting for Amnesty International. 

1:53 - Prisoner is granted trip to bathroom. On the way back to the corner gives me a hug and a kiss. 

2:01 - Whimpering starts.

2:02 - Prisoner assumes the fetal position.

2:07 - Prisoner asks, “When can I get up?” “Every time you ask me, you add time to your sentence,” Warden replies.

2:12 - “I want a blanket. I’m cold.” Prisoner’s request granted.

2:34 - Older prince says, “He’s starting to break.”

2:37 - Earnest crying begins. Wails of “When can I get up?” from the corner begin and end quickly.

3:05 -  Snack of peanut butter crackers and chocolate milk is served. Warden prays inmate will fall asleep.

3:12 - Another bathroom break granted.

3:29 - Punching pillows begins.

3:33 - Prisoner tries to make a break for it. After being given the chance to nicely and quietly return to his cell he chooses to disregard that option. Warden physically puts prisoner back in corner. He stays.

3:37 - “Hey Mommy, where’s Daddy?”

4:11 - Negotiations acceptable, sentence complete.

The standoff ended when the detainee requested a meeting. After asking how long he had to stay in the corner I told him that that was totally up to him and a clue might be to think about why he was in this predicament in the first place. He said that he had ‘accidentally’ lied to me. Dear God. After amending that he said that he had learned something, would do better in the future and he was released.

Was this cruel and unusual punishment? Am I suffering from discipline burnout after raising his two older brothers and this is the result? All I wanted was for him to admit on his own that he lied, that he was sorry and had learned his lesson.  Cop to it without any prompting from me. Confess that he lied without me saying “Now what did you do? Why were you punished?” in a sing song voice. I caved. I did prompt him, but not in a sing song voice. Had I just undid the lesson of the last 2 1/2 hours? Am I bad parent?

The low point of it all was when he said, “Does this make you proud Mom?”

That one hurt, to my core. 

I would be proud if I knew for sure that I did the right thing. But I just don’t know if I did.

Slug

My middle kid is a slug

He has spent his free time lying on the couch, playing the Wii or watching Spongebob.

Today I grabbed the salt shaker and started pouring salt on him yelling, "SLUG! SLUG!"

It was worth having to vacuum afterwards.

Hush Girl

Shut your lips

Do the Helen Keller

And talk with your hips.

First of all, my version goes: 

Do the Helen Keller

And talk TO MY FIST!

Unfortunately the boys think that is also hilarious and are singing it right before they pound their brother in the face. 

Also, I have a horrid image of Helen Keller finger spelling W-A-T-E-R while shaking her booty.

Ewwww.

Another Mommy-ism

Thought this up after this mornings drama.

Tantrumly Late - Your child throws a monumental hissy fit when told he will return to the basketball day camp he so loved the day before. You let child flail in his room because said fit is so legendary you would actually feel guilty throwing you thrashing, screaming child at an unfortunate rec center camp leader. When child is informed that he will not have siblings or mommy as playmates and that he is banned from anything with a screen, camp starts to sound really good. Jr.Jekyll/Jr.Hyde them puts on a happy face and bounds onto the basketball court showing no signs of the trauma of the morning. He is there, albeit Tantrumly Late.

My Mommy-isms

Here are mine!  

Infant Amnesia - The phenomena that makes us forget the trials of having a newborn thus enabling the human race to continue.  

Food Poor - Remember when you got your first house, money was tight and you were 'house poor?' Its like that only replace with 'house' with 'food' because you have two teenage eating machines in your home.  

Huffstompandroll - When your child does not get what they want they huff loudly, stomp a foot and roll their eyes. Perfected by teen aged girls.  

Y-O-Y! - Actually 'Why, Oh Why." Used by moms of boys when their XY chromosome child does something like pushing his brother down the stairs while he is in the laundry basket.  

No Namaste - In yoga, like we have the time to do that anymore, the word Namaste means that "the light within me honors the light within you." When your children have light bulb moments like jumping off the roof to see if they can make it to the swimming pool, you are not gonna honor that enlightenment.

Here is the link to parents connect  http://www.parentsconnect.com/articles/mom-definitions.jhtml

And please join me at my website www.itsgoodtobethequeen.com  

Its where moms of boys reign!

Ranger (and the Fords) Win!!

Last night we let the professionals take care of our baseball fever. 

My youngest won Texas Rangers tickets by reaching a reading goal in The Mayor’s Summer Reading Program. So what if he read Captain Underpants for 30 hours, when I was his age the only summer reading I did was the back of the cereal box. 

It was $1 ice cream cone night, green won the dot race and since the Ranger’s scored in the 8th inning- free tacos from Bueno!  

Now some cynics might say it will be a cold day in hell when the Rangers win, but we’ll take it. It was a chilly 90 degrees just before 11pm when Ian Kinsler hit a 2 run homer to win it in the 12th inning.

But I must say that the highlight of it all was when a clip from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off appeared on the Jumbotron. The 27,000+ fans were urged to twist and shout along with the float-riding Ferris. I convinced the boys to stand up and dance with their insane mother. After a second or two we looked up and saw all four of us shakin’ it on the Jumbotron. We must have looked pretty good, the crowd got to enjoy our performance for a good minute. In the light of day my boys will try to blame it on the cotton candy but I know they will never forget it. Neither will I.

Here is a baseball story from Queen Kathy of Great Falls, VA

Last season my eight year old and his father made the trip to Dick's Sporting Goods (the irony is not lost on me) to get an athletic cup. My son was so very thrilled with his purchase and would wear it around the house for days at a time. The best was when we caught him parading around the front yard, holding the cup up to his face, pretending it was an oxygen mask.

Reign On!

Queen Linda

Today's to do list

I just love it when I look at my 'to do' list and 'Get Tequila' is at the top of it

So... fixing it entailed

24 hours, $420 and many assurances from the dealer that 'people do this all the time'

but still....

GREEN BUTTON IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN DIESEL FUEL

I FILLED MY DIESEL CAR UP WITH 13 GALLONS OF UNLEADED GAS YESTERDAY

Green button, I pushed the green button.

You so don't want to know what fixing this entails!

DAMN IT!!!!!!!!! 

Fellow Queens!

How was your Fourth of July?

I hope you watered down your roof and didn’t visit the burn unit due to a stray bottle rocket.

Our neighborhood has a great parade on the 4th, complete with treats flung from floats, marching bands and beauty queens. Its a time for me to re-tell the boys the story of the birth of our country and commemorate this patriotic day by eating candy plucked from the gutter.

Now the reason I am sending this holiday address a bit late is because under no circumstances do I want to be responsible if your boys hack into your computer, read this and expand their pyrotechnic knowledge. 

There are tons of websites with info about your firestarters hobby. Here’s a goody -“The suburban fireworks master can create all manner of displays, from rockets and fountains to stars and sparklers. A good chemistry text, a set of instructions and a little cash to buy chemicals from supply houses is all that is needed, along with a little patience, care and safety.” Dear Lord. They do cop to making fireworks in the basement as ‘One of the most dangerous hobbies.” Duh.

I particularly like the AERIAL RAMPAGE SHELL KIT. It comes complete with road flares, fire extinguishers and safety glasses. Somehow I don’t think that one is a big seller. I love the names of all the $100+ packages of fireworks. RAIN OF FIRE, PYROTECHNIC MOTHERLODE and the JR. PYRO TOTE BAG ASSORTMENT are my favorites. Ladies, hide the Visa.

Here is an oldy but a goody boy vs. fire story from Queen Aimee of Clovis, California.

"My 13 year old and his friend tried to light each others farts on fire.  Well, they are starting to get hair down there and my son set his toushie on fire.  We had to take him to the doctor's office in his bathrobe because he could not even wear boxers.  The doctor was laughing so hard he had to leave the room."

Reign On!

Queen Linda

Cool Fun!

north texas kids splashfest
benefiting sci-tech discovery center
hawaiian falls in the colony
saturday, july 18
11 am-4 pm
tickets are $13.99--$5 off the regular adult price--plus, $3 from each ticket goes straight to sci-tech; purchase online atwww.northtexaskids.com