GREEN BUTTON IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN DIESEL FUEL

I FILLED MY DIESEL CAR UP WITH 13 GALLONS OF UNLEADED GAS YESTERDAY

Green button, I pushed the green button.

You so don't want to know what fixing this entails!

DAMN IT!!!!!!!!! 

Fellow Queens!

How was your Fourth of July?

I hope you watered down your roof and didn’t visit the burn unit due to a stray bottle rocket.

Our neighborhood has a great parade on the 4th, complete with treats flung from floats, marching bands and beauty queens. Its a time for me to re-tell the boys the story of the birth of our country and commemorate this patriotic day by eating candy plucked from the gutter.

Now the reason I am sending this holiday address a bit late is because under no circumstances do I want to be responsible if your boys hack into your computer, read this and expand their pyrotechnic knowledge. 

There are tons of websites with info about your firestarters hobby. Here’s a goody -“The suburban fireworks master can create all manner of displays, from rockets and fountains to stars and sparklers. A good chemistry text, a set of instructions and a little cash to buy chemicals from supply houses is all that is needed, along with a little patience, care and safety.” Dear Lord. They do cop to making fireworks in the basement as ‘One of the most dangerous hobbies.” Duh.

I particularly like the AERIAL RAMPAGE SHELL KIT. It comes complete with road flares, fire extinguishers and safety glasses. Somehow I don’t think that one is a big seller. I love the names of all the $100+ packages of fireworks. RAIN OF FIRE, PYROTECHNIC MOTHERLODE and the JR. PYRO TOTE BAG ASSORTMENT are my favorites. Ladies, hide the Visa.

Here is an oldy but a goody boy vs. fire story from Queen Aimee of Clovis, California.

"My 13 year old and his friend tried to light each others farts on fire.  Well, they are starting to get hair down there and my son set his toushie on fire.  We had to take him to the doctor's office in his bathrobe because he could not even wear boxers.  The doctor was laughing so hard he had to leave the room."

Reign On!

Queen Linda

Cool Fun!

north texas kids splashfest
benefiting sci-tech discovery center
hawaiian falls in the colony
saturday, july 18
11 am-4 pm
tickets are $13.99--$5 off the regular adult price--plus, $3 from each ticket goes straight to sci-tech; purchase online atwww.northtexaskids.com

A moment of silence

Anyone else have one while scooping Oxy-Clean into the washer today?

Here are my theories about Jacko Wacko

Here are my theories:

#1 He died while he was recovering from yet another surgery to become white.

#2 He has completed his transformation into being Diana Ross's doppelganger. You've never see them in the same room, have you?

and #3, my personal favorite, he really isn't dead. Just like Elvis. They are playing pool together somewhere in the mid-west and talking about Lisa Marie. Eww.

Granted, these are my theories and mine alone. 

Discuss.

Okay, I'll admit it

I hate classical music

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

Yes friends, it is baseball season. Time to spend your Saturdays cheering for your kids and praying you don’t keel over from heat exhaustion.

When my middle kid was in 1st grade he asked his coach why a cup was not part of the provided uniform. “Uh, you’re going to have to talk about that one with your parents,” coach replied as he fought back laughter. Now I can tackle most things my kids throw at me head on, but that one got tossed to Dad. 

The fun begins when they actually do get their cup. It is like a spectator sport, its own little game within the game.  I have heard tell of boys wearing their cup on the outside of the uniform, wearing their cups to church so they can ‘get used to it’ and leaving the cup on the living room table after the game.

My youngest kid doesn’t even wear one yet and he is still out there checking to see if he is anatomically complete. I have thought of a great drinking game for all us spectators. Every time my kid touches his crotch, we take a shot. We would be absolutely hammered by the second inning. No driving for you, yerrrr out!

Last week, due to our recent lice infestation, all the moms yelled into the dugout, “Don’t put Christopher’s batting helmet on for ANY reason!” How could I blame them.

Click here for more info on how to be an athletic supporter